Girl Trouble

Image credit: Survivor The Amazon: Robert Voets

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We worry about Lucy: How can her newlywed status be squared with her primary purpose in this series, that of a barely postadolescent man-eater? Then again, any family show that features Phyllis Diller in a semi-recurring role as a hoary, horny housekeeper is probably capable of anything on God's green earth.

HEIDI AND JENNA ON ''SURVIVOR: THE AMAZON''
Okay, these are real people, not characters, and so I really shouldn't crit...oh, come off it: For as long as they've whined, preened, stared vacantly at dirt, and doffed their tops at the merest whiff of a food reward, these two young women have been this season's designated cartoons on ''Survivor.'' Heidi is worrisome primarily for the sin of excessive pride in her suspiciously perfect-if-you-read-''Juggs''-magazine breasts and a tendency to stumble upon wisdom via accident. (On the April 10 edition, hobbled by an insect attack, she blurted, ''I feel so retarded right now because of some spider bite.'') The firm yin to Heidi's wobbly yang is Jenna, almost invariably ID'd on screen as ''swimsuit model'' and prone to equally eloquent blab. Of the rules for the Immunity Challenge that same night, she said briskly, ''I'm confused; maybe I'm just an idiot.''

The thing is, neither woman has played the game idiotically at all. Working their hubba-hubba mojo, they've clouded the minds of at least a couple of the younger guys and moved the positively inspirational Rob to remark, wittily if syntactically roundabout, of Heidi's spider bite, ''It has now reached the size of one of her breasts on her knee.'' Yes, Heidi and Jenna have been made sex objects by Rob and show creator Mark Burnett's editing strategy, but my true worry is whether either woman will emerge from the media jungle with any career liftoff more buoyant than job offers from the new Hooters Air.

And lest you accuse me of sexism, please return next week for (I hear voices in my head again) Men We Worry About...