The Thorn Birds remains one of Chamberlain's greatest achievements, yet he devotes just six pages to its production. What's more, he ekes out a mere 334 words on his ''all-time favorite job,'' headlining the 1978 play Fathers and Sons. Oh, and the much-hyped revelation that he's gay? Like every other important milestone in his life, Chamberlain writes about it in the most evasive manner. He uses this fusty attempt at a memoir to wax hyperbolic about costars ''luminous'' (Joan Crawford), ''stupendous'' (Dixie Carter), and ''gorgeous'' (Raquel Welch) -- and, even worse, to spout spiritual hooey like ''I think every atom of existence is sacred.'' You'll find more enlightenment in your corporate gym's yoga classes.