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''Hobbits: The Musical''? Read our lyrics

Lyric Sheet: Entertainment Weekly's
musical, ''Lord of the Rings''

OPENING
''Mordor!''

(An evil -- but hearty -- march)

Orcs
Mordor!
It's the joint with the Big Door!
It's no day at the sea shore!
So you'd better beware!
(Down there.)

Orcs roar
Like the crowd at a Phish tour,
When the weather is piss poor,
And the stoners won't share!

ORC SOLOIST
It ain't easy, bein' Orc.
''Tote that hobbit!'' ''Kill that tree!''
Plus, we look like Mickey Rourke
After a long peyote spree.

[Chorus]
Mordor!
We did not vote for Al Gore!
And if that makes you all sore,
Well, that's your loss!

And now it's time to meet...our...Boss!

SAURON'S GIANT EYE
(In the style of a wistful R&B ballad)

I...
I am an Eye..
When I have a sty
I can't blink away the tears.

Once...
I was more of a man
Then this dude cut my hand
Now I been outta play for years.

More than anything
I gotta have this tiny little ring,
This shiny piece of bling
Is all I need!
And then I'll make this whole... land... bleed!

''Love Your Elf''
(Chili Peppers-esque rock)

LEGOLAS
The honeys dig my pointy ears
They think they're kinda hot.
And don't you know, they crave my bow.
My arrows hit the spot.

Don't get the wrong message
From my long blonde tresses
The girlies linin' up for my hot elf kisses.

Before you learn to love another
You got to love...your...elf!

Love...your...elf!

I killed 'bout fifty orcs today,
A lot more than the dwarf.
I'll kill a hundred more before
My boat has left the wharf.

You don't want any other elf
When you think about me, come touch your elf.

That's right, I just rhymed ''elf'' with ''elf''!
Whatchagonnadoaboutit?
Love...your...elf!

[spoken]
Somebody stop me before I...ramble on...

[repeat to fade]

Originally posted Jun 06, 2003