''Good morning, Entertainment Weekly. [Pause] And you are...? [Pause] And we would know you from...? [Pause] And we're interviewing you because...? [Long pause] Okay, thanks, buh-bye.'' David Spade -- he of ''Saturday Night Live,'' ''Tommy Boy,'' ''Just Shoot Me,'' and the new film ''Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star'' (premiering Sept. 5) -- has just arrived and is ready to get stupid.
In ''Dickie Roberts,'' Screech, Danny Bonaduce, Corey Feldman, and Barry Williams are your poker buddies, and Emmanuel Lewis kicks
the crap out of you. Which begs the question: Did anyone say no?
You wouldn't believe how many said no. Natalie from ''The Facts of Life,'' Jimmie Walker...Tootie drives a hard bargain, I'll just say that. I said, ''C'mon, it's $50 and an apple, whaddaya want?''
Gary Coleman also makes a cameo. Based on his performance, why will he be a good governor of California?
He knows most of his lines. And he looks you right in the knee.
I didn't happen to catch the last four seasons of ''Just Shoot Me.''
Did I miss anything?
Yeah, Finch did a funny dance. And hit on a model. You should have been there.
Which of these guest-starring gigs were you hoping I wouldn't
bring up: ''ALF,'' ''Baywatch,'' or ''The Facts of Life''?
All winners. ''Baywatch'' was good because I got my hair blonded out in that sewer water for a week. I think that's how I got crabs four times. ALF had a bit of a toot problem, and I knew that show was doomed. And ''The Facts of Life'' -- I was on that show with Richard Grieco. It was a spin-off episode. It spun off a cliff and no one's heard of it since.
In 2001, you were fined for reckless jet skiing in Arizona. On
the ''Joe Dirt'' white-trash scale, does reckless jet skiing rank above a mullet?
No, a mullet's No. 1. Then half-shirt. Then Jet Ski. Making crystal meth in your basement is fourth. And getting busted for crystal meth is fifth.
If they can make ''A Night at the Roxbury'' and ''It's Pat,'' why the hell wasn't there a movie with the ''buh-bye'' flight attendant?
They asked me to write a Gap Girls movie, but I wouldn't do it. They said, ''Do you think there's an hour-and-a-half movie in there?'' and I said, ''There might be enough for one more four-minute sketch.'' And they were like, ''All right, let's do the movie.''
You've said that the first time you were alone in your home with
a girl, you whipped out your coin collection. Please tell me that
''coin collection'' was a dirty, dirty metaphor for something else.
Rock collection? Stamp collection? I showed her a 1916-D Mercury dime. It was worth $120. I said, ''This has never been touched.'' She said, ''Neither have my boobs. Let's party.''
In sixth grade, you couldn't participate in the state chess
finals because you had the measles. Looking at your life today, is this the greatest ''total tool to Hollywood star who dates hot chicks'' transformation in history?
With the way it's been going lately, I should go back to being a chess champ. I think most girls think that's more interesting.