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1 WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE D-CON! Bones of an ancient rodent the size of a buffalo were uncovered in South America. How'd he escape from the New York City subway?

2 DUPLEX Newlyweds Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore try everything to get an annoying tenant out of their home. But nothing cruel, like making her watch ''Charlie's Angels 2''.

3 ELBOW-LENGTH GLOVES A hot accessory. Perfect for PTA meetings, vacuuming, and eating buttered popcorn.

4 BOLSHOI BALLET They fired a 109-pound ballerina for being too fat. Who's in charge? The French ice-skating judge?

5 UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN Diane Lane plays a big-city writer who gives it all up to live the simple life in Italy. Why don't more of us do that? Oh yeah, we're poor.

6 LET IT BE...NAKED Paul and Ringo have erased Phil Spector's spectre from the Beatles' last studio album. The Wall of Sound becomes the I Am the Walrus of Sound.

7 COUPLING Two NBC stations dropped the show about friends who discuss the most intimate parts of their sex lives. That should stay on afternoon TV where it belongs.

8 BENNY'S GOT A GUN The world's most famous unwed couple reportedly showed up at a Georgia courthouse to get... a gun permit. Maybe they're planning a shotgun wedding.

9 DAVID BLAINE Crowds are still throwing tomatoes and eggs at the cheap-stunt artist's Plexiglas box over the Thames. He wants 15 percent of all vegetable sales now.

10 COMMON CENTS The government is spending some $53 million to ''introduce'' the new peach-colored $20 bill. Which is why we're not ''meeting'' any new $100 bills anytime soon.

Originally posted Oct 03, 2003 Published in issue #731 Oct 03, 2003 Order article reprints
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