''The Bachelor''

The Man Show

Here's a male perspective on Bob: Our favorite ''Bachelor'' is a tool, um, we mean disingenuous, as he makes connections left and right and promises all the women they're ''the one,'' says Josh Wolk

Bob Guiney, The Bachelor | BOB THE BUILDER Guiney promises a rose garden to all the women
Image credit: Bob Guiney: Craig Sjodin
BOB THE BUILDER Guiney promises a rose garden to all the women

Here's a male perspective on Bob

Up till now, women have been writing these ''Bachelor'' reacts, so here's a male perspective: I think Bob is a bit of a tool. He pays lip service to his remorse for having such strong feelings for each woman, and how it breaks his heart to let some go…and then jams his tongue down all of their throats, convincing them that they're each the one, assuring that all but one of their hearts will be eventually ripped into tiny little pieces on national television.

Tonight there were three one-on-ones. Bob brought Mary, who earlier declared she wanted to get married and have babies FAST, to an amusement park, where she said she wanted to pretend she was a little kid… the innocent days before she monitored her own ovulation hourly, apparently. He kissed her over cotton candy, and she declared her love for him. Frankly, Mary scares me a bit: She is attractive, but her pointy chin and enormous mouth make me fear that if Bob rejects her, she will unhinge her jaw and swallow him whole.

Similar wooing occurred on his dates with Estella (to Vegas) and Kelly Jo (for a lobster boil). This episode did show that Bob has a very special talent: Some men are good at making dinner. Some men can make a woman laugh. And some men are just great in bed. But Bob truly shines when he's dealing with a woman with a dead relative.

When loved ones are pushing up the daisies, Bob comes out smelling like a rose! Last week he consoled Meredith when her grandmother died, and this week, when he found out Estella and Kelly Jo had dead fathers, it was magic time! Out came the puppy dog eyes, the gentle, reassuring hand, the tender thank-you-for-sharings, and the mourners melted. That Bob is so slick, I'll bet he has a yahrzeit condom.

However, Bob's talents did fail him when Estella showed genuine emotion, and to Bob, that was a bit of a buzzkill. She bawled, upset that she was sharing him with her friends, and you could see the annoyance on his face. He told her she was thinking too much, as he tightened his hands on her waist, still trying to close the deal, ''Bachelor''-style. I expected him to whisper, ''Come on, let me take you to bed. Your poor dead daddy would have wanted it that way.'' His post-date analysis was that this was the first time there had been a ''bump in the road'' with Estella, and it gave him pause to think. Yeah, the last thing you need is a woman who gets pissed you're trying to get it on with all of her friends.

At the rose ceremony, it was Brooke and Lee-Ann who went roseless. Brooke was no surprise, since she was barely featured in the episode, and she was a virgin: Bob is too addicted to the women's sexual attention to settle for that. But Lee-Ann fully expected to be there until the end, thanks to a promise from Bob. Little did she know Bob's word means nothing: He's incapable of saying anything dissuasive to anyone on this show, regardless of who he's going to pick: I think before Chris Harrison leaves Bob alone with the videotapes, Bob grabs his package and tells him they have a connection.

The producers have really edited Lee-Ann to look like a bitch, but I don't see it. One ''I'm not talking to you, Jenny'' does not a villainess make. Her only problem has been that she won't suck up to the rest of the pack of ex-cheerleaders, so when they cast her out she looked like the wicked stepsister. At the end, when she left without crying and said that Bob had made a mistake since she was a catch, was that bitchy, or did it just seem that way compared to the other women who consider Bob's rejection a personal failure on their own parts? The saddest part is that some women will probably leave and wonder, ''Damn, if only I had a dead parent, that man could have been mine!''

Originally posted Oct 23, 2003