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Stupid Questions

this week with ... Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Rin Tin Tin. Lassie. That mutt from ''7th Heaven.'' TV has enjoyed a rich tradition of adorable pooches -- until now. The new King of Canines, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog (who appears on ''Late Night With Conan O'Brien'') has a single goal: rob celebs of their dignity. The foul-mouthery continues on his debut album, ''Come Poop With Me,'' which drops Nov. 4. Throwing caution and good taste to the wind, we asked Triumph (voiced by Robert Smigel) to roll over and play stupid.

You attack a beloved canine institution in the song ''Benji's Queer.'' Are you worried about retaliation when Benji makes an album?

Yes, I'm really worried about reprisals from Benji's posse. They might attack me in a dark alley somewhere and frost my hair.

In your anti-neutering anthem, ''Bob Barker,'' you sing, ''These teeth are sharp and the price is right/Gonna neuter your ass with one nut-crackin' bite.'' After seeing Barker viciously take down Adam Sandler in ''Happy Gilmore,'' don't you think you should steer clear of this game-show icon?

That movie was like 10 years ago. Barker's so old, he looks like a chew toy I threw out last year. At least when I go for a walk, I can find my way back. When we're in the room togeth-er, he's the one they blame for farting. Wait, I got more. I saw him naked backstage; normally I eat grass when I want to puke.

You mocked ''Star Wars'' geeks waiting in line for the disappointapalooza known as Attack of the Clones. What are the chances that we'll see a redemptive end to the prequel trilogy?

Forget it. Those ''Star Wars'' nerds are down to George Lucas' last table scraps. Maybe Lucas could use his CGI for a good purpose and make it look like the nerds have girlfriends.

Have you ever skewered someone and then, back home in the doghouse, felt bad about it?

Some people are too easy. With Jerry Springer, it's like pooping on poop. You want to pick the guy up with an inside-out baggie.

We know what became of Tom Hanks after Turner & Hooch, but what happened to Hooch?

He's at the Tom Hanks Home for Fallen Costars. He regularly beats Peter Scolari in checkers. So does the volleyball.

Who gave a more convincing performance in K-9, Jim Belushi or the German shepherd?

I get confused...which one's starring in the sitcom now?

Why haven't you ever placed at the Westminster dog show?

I'm not there to compete. I'm hanging out because afterwards, I swoop in on all the hot female tail. I'm sort of like Lenny Kravitz at a fashion show -- but more sanitary.

We're running out of room. C'mon, insult me. Gimme your best shot.

This ''back page'' thing is going to be huge. I see it everywhere -- puppy crates, birdcages, litter boxes. I even saw Right Said Fred pooping on it over on 43rd and Eighth. Good luck with it, kid. You're on a rocket to ''Soap Opera Digest.''

Originally posted Nov 07, 2003 Published in issue #736 Nov 07, 2003 Order article reprints
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