''The Bachelor''

Suite Fantasy

And then there were only TWO hot women. Surprise! Mary (the one who wants a kid -- NOW) didn't get a rose, says Jennifer Armstrong

The Bachelor | BEAT THE CLOCK Mary is out, perhaps because Bob is not ready to reproduce
Image credit: Mary: Bob D'Amico/ABC
BEAT THE CLOCK Mary is out, perhaps because Bob is not ready to reproduce

And then there were only TWO hot women...

Ah, yes, the fantasy dates. Bob was down to his final three. He was, as he so eloquently said, ''feeling feelings for these ladies, and I know they're feeling feelings for me too.'' Feelings -- isn't that a great excuse to do some sucking face (and, you know, whatever else) in various fantasy locales? Oh yes, it definitely is.

First up: Kelly Jo, 23. In Alaska. Dogsledding up a glacier. Falling playfully in the snow together, all cute and midembrace-like. Leading up to -- what else? -- a dip in a hot tub. There, in her white bikini, Kelly Jo enumerated her strengths vis a vis her competition -- well, her one strength, anyway. The fact that she's 23, and has no biological clock whatsoever. Unless, of course, Bob wants her to have a biological clock. Then she'll totally have one. The point is, she doesn't have to ''rush to start a family.'' (That means you, Mary, 35.)

For dinner, Kelly wore a really cool pink halter top that highlighted both her tan and her cleavage, but to really drive the message home, she said, ''I'm in love with you. It feels real and I don't want to run from that.'' She did get a kiss, but then Bob reminded her, helpfully, ''The sad part is I still have two more things I have to do.'' Well said, Bob. KJ, though, didn't bat an eye -- actually, she did, but it was flirtatious, not incredulous. The eye batting continued right up into the fantasy suite, where the fantasy door to the fantasy bedroom was shut, leaving the audience to fantasize about what may or may not have gone on there.

Next up: Mary of the LOUDLY ticking biological clock, kayaking and being generally outdoorsy in Wyoming. She, too, wore a white bikini, which Bob noted ''was very, very pretty on her.'' Luckily, there was a honey-apricot massage scheduled, which allowed for gratuitous shots of Mary's hot, now glistening bod, and also necessitated a follow-up dual shower to wash the goo off. The cold shower came when they discussed their respective procreation plans and she said, ''I don't want to wait four years or five years for sure.''

Another bummer: When she asked him whether he'd been ''intimate'' with the other women and he gave this carefully worded answer: ''Whatever moments I share with you are no one else's business. And the moments I share with the other women are no one else's business.'' She felt that ''when I looked him in the eyes, he gave me his answer,'' implying that the answer was that he hadn't been ''intimate'' with anyone else. Obviously, she didn't see the way he closed the door when he was with Kelly Jo. Mary took the fantasy suite offer as well, and there was a lot of lying on the floor kissing near the fireplace -- but no door closing.

Finally, Estella, 28 (biological-clock status unknown), met him on a private island off Belize for some snorkeling with sharks and whatnot. She distinguished herself by wearing a brown bikini and being even more understanding than the other two. ''It must be so difficult,'' she said, referring to Bob's plight of dating three totally hot women at once. ''I don't know how you're doing it.'' And then, of course, he went in for the smooch. At dinner, he was kind enough to further remind her how many times he'd done this fantasy date thing by actually saying the ''forgo your individual rooms'' part of the invitation to the fantasy suite as she read it aloud. Still, there was a trip to the fantasy suite, with plenty of making out in the hot tub.

By decision time, Bob was thoroughly flustered, and it didn't help when all three women essentially declared their love to him in their videotaped messages, with Kelly Jo hinting, ''waking up in your arms was so right,'' and Estella declaring their date ''the best night of my life.'' Host Chris Harrison actually seemed to be scolding the women while Bob deliberated, sternly intoning, ''I understand each of you is in love with him. I have never seen such a conflicted bachelor.''

And so it was that the ticking biological clock exploded in Mary's face, and he gave roses to Kelly Jo and Estella. Mary won the Sweetest, Most Reasonable Woman Ever to Get Kicked off ''The Bachelor'' award when she told Bob, ''There's two beautiful girls in there. And if they love you half as much as I do, it's a lot.'' Which only begs the question: Does Bob deserve any of these women at this point?

Originally posted Nov 06, 2003