Television

Sound Bites

''I'm sorry to have to break up the party, but six of you freaks have to get the ax.'' HOST KATHY GRIFFIN TO THE CONTESTANTS ON AVERAGE JOE

''A chain of Christian health clubs has opened in the South. Apparently, the motto is 'What would Jesus bench?''' CONAN O'BRIEN ON LATE NIGHT

''Michael Jackson is doing a CBS special.... CBS felt that a surgically altered freak was less controversial than The Reagans.'' DAVID LETTERMAN ON LATE SHOW

''Let's see...Lorraine is from England, so if you really wanted to hurt her you could hold her down and make her watch the American version of anything British.'' JACK (SEAN HAYES) TO KAREN (MEGAN MULLALLY) ON WILL & GRACE

''I loved this movie -- and I'm a Jew!'' JON STEWART, ENDORSING WILL FERRELL'S ELF, ON THE DAILY SHOW

Originally posted Nov 21, 2003 Published in issue #738 Nov 21, 2003 Order article reprints