Jackie Collins has sold more than 400 million books, and even better, they have names like ''Thrill!,'' ''Lethal Seduction,'' and ''The Bitch.'' On shelves now is her latest tale of the rich and famous, ''Hollywood Divorces,'' where ''fidelity means not sleeping with anyone less attractive than your spouse.'' That's some dictionary, Jackie! Now let's see if stupid still means stupid in Collins-ese.
The characters in ''Divorces'' have names like Jump Jagger, Linc Blackwood, and Suki -- could you ever create someone named, say, Bob, the pudgy actuary?
Books I read growing up had ordinary names and I never knew who was screwing whom. I decided that in my books I'd have names that stood out. So now you know Jump's in Australia with this girl climbing all over him.
Let's play ''Hollywood Divorce'' math. Take one separation from a cheating rock & roller, add the post-orgy overdose of a philandering action hero, subtract one murder of a bad-boy director, and multiply it by the bleed-out of a gigantically membered tennis star...how many Hollywood Divorces do you really have?
There are actually [pause]...two divorces. But that's a nice description, I wish I'd had it on the flyleaf of the book. Especially the overendowed tennis pro. I'm one of the few writers who does comment on the size of a male member. If you don't know whether he has a small or big d---, how can you really find out what he's all about?
I have artfully windswept hair, a super-watt smile, and I get bitchier by the moment -- can I be a Jackie Collins heroine?
You also need that strength, that way of knocking guys back without making them feel they've been knocked back. So just ply them with booze.
Good. I'm short on charm but I've got lots of liquor.
Men have been doing it for years to women.
When you and your sister, Joan Collins, argue, do you do it near a mud hole or a champagne fountain so you get all down and ''Dynasty''-dirty?
We don't argue near anything actually because she lives in London and I live in America, and I don't drink champagne. I hate the taste, isn't that disappointing?
Growing up in England, did you ask Mum for bedtime stories like ''Veronica the Willful Whore'' or ''Jasmine the Vindictive Yet Sensual Mob Princess''?
No, she read me ''The Naughtiest Girl in the School,'' and then I started reading what my father kept beside the bed in a brown-paper wrapper -- ''Lady Chatterley's Lover.'' So between [them] I developed a career.
What was ''The Naughtiest Girl in the School''?
Me. I was thrown out at 15 for waving at the resident flasher and saying ''Cold day today, isn't it?''
One reviewer said of your writing, ''Collins wires the plot together with all the subtlety of a Wonderbra.'' So...can your books make me a D-cup?
They can take you up to great heights with a fabulous plunge at the end.