Jim Mullin's Hot Sheet for the week of Dec 19 2003
1 HOLIDAY DEPRESSION Instead of happy and cheerful, the holidays make some people sad and bad-tempered. Those people are called salesclerks.
2 THE YULE LOG Some TV stations run a tape of a roaring fire during the holidays. Others stopped when the log demanded a raise and its own trailer.
3 HOLIDAY MUSIC Jesus called. He said he prefers klezmer.
4 HOLIDAY LIGHTS How much is enough? If you can see your front lawn's little town of Bethlehem from outer space it's too much.
5 CHRISTMAS TV SPECIALS A Kid Rock Christmas? What's next? A WWE Christmas Smackdown? Britney Spears Goes A-Caroling Naked?
6 MALL PARKING Have you noticed that the bigger the SUV, the closer they park to the entrance? For rugged outdoorsmen, they sure hate to hike.
7 HOLIDAY FOOD Once again, the hot dish this year is turduckena turkey that's stuffed with a duck that's been stuffed with a chicken. And you're going to keep eating it until we find my Rolex.
8 OFFICE PARTIES Oh, what fun, getting drunk with your boss! Office parties are to real parties what industrial parks are to real parks.
9 THAT SPECIAL GIFT There are three things you never want to see on a Christmas present: ''one size fits all,'' ''fun for all ages,'' and ''removes unwanted hair.''
10 FRUITCAKE If cockroaches will be the only survivors after a nuclear war, this is what they will eat.