What to Watch for week of DECEMBER 22

Nick and Jessica: Ain't they cute?

Newlyweds: Robert Mora

MONDAY

6-11 PM Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica marathon (MTV) In our post-Paris-and-Nicole world, will Jessica ''Is This Chicken What I Have'' Simpson suddenly seem...smart? Nah. But just to make sure, it couldn't hurt to spend five hours watching the series that made the rich and dumb seem cool again. Those who've already memorized Jessica's malapropisms (''Rigor who?,'' ''platymapus''), should shift their attention to hubby Nick Lachey's facial expressions, which range from lustful to contemptuous. And let us know if you figure out why Jess' virginity-advocating, Bible-thumping daddy frosts his hair.

9-11 PM VH1 Divas Duets (VH1) The gaudy May concert is being rebroadcast because, frankly, one can never get too much diva. Watch it again for the moment Jewel sings this line in ''Proud Mary'': ''Pumped a lot of Tang in New Orleans...'' Huh? Um, Jewel, it's supposed to be ''pumped a lot of pain.'' Speaking of which, Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston also perform.

8-10 PM A Smoky Mountain Christmas (CMT) Combine Dolly Parton, with her bigger-than-big...hair (what'd you think we were gonna say? oh, the dirty minds of you people), Lee Majors, John Ritter, seven orphans, a witch, and director Henry Winkler, and what do you get? Yeah, we're not sure either. But it must have something to do with this 1986 TV movie.