''Simple Life''

The Buss Stops Here

Paris and Nicole take on the kissing booth. The gals have liplock on the brain -- and that may be all they have room for in their tiny craniums, says Josh Wolk

Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, ... | L.A. WOMEN Nicole and Paris are keeping the natives restless
L.A. WOMEN Nicole and Paris are keeping the natives restless

Paris and Nicole take on the kissing booth

After a few weeks of watching Paris and Nicole wreak havoc on every job they're given, I've grown to cringe every time they enter a new situation, wondering what unpleasant disgrace they're going to bring upon it. So you could see why I had to avert my eyes when they were invited over to the Mayor's office on the Dec. 16 episode.

At least at the dairy farm they had a lot of props to use to make trouble: milk hose, cow udder, farmer's pool. But Mayor Post just had an office, and I feared that the girls, faced with few options and little creativity, would just shrug and take a dump on her desk.

Luckily, they kept their pants up and listened to the Mayor ramble on about registering Tinkerbell. This was another trip clearly set up by the producers, because they don't ask whether your dog has any STDs in Las Vegas, let alone Altus. (Although, frankly, looking at these girls and listening to them talk about how they want to have threesomes with a boy they consider their ''little brother,'' I can see why one might assume that anything of theirs might be infected. I wouldn't be surprised if their car keys tested positive for crabs.)

But the dog was just a ruse to ask the girls to be honorary cochairwomen of the springtime gala, which can't possibly be a good idea. How much money did Fox give this tiny town to get the residents lining up to have the girls' desecrate all that they hold dear? Is the local priest going to ask them to help out with Mass on Sunday, and then watch them spank each other with a cross and hold a wet T-shirt contest with the holy water?

After treating the family to a fashion show of all their most foolish outfits (Paris proudly showed off the leather outfit she once wore to the Playboy mansion, and Mama Leding looked like she couldn't have related less if Paris announced that she would next show the Batman ultility belt she wore to Neptune), Paris and Nicole got up early to kick off a day of gala mischief. First, they let a dog eat the pies Curley had helped them bake, while they were busy in the kitchen asking Justin and his friend whether they've ever French-kissed each other. Nicole even had to convince Paris that it was ''a thing'' that straight guys do, and it's awesome! If there's a sexual peccadillo that even Paris hasn't heard of, it's safe to say that it hasn't yet hit critical mass.

They were assigned to the kissing booth, which is kind of like putting a crackhead in charge of the whippit supply. (I hope there was a Penicillin booth right next to them.) They managed to convince two guys to kiss each other which, ironically, likely lurched Paris from realizing that straight man-on-man smooching was, in fact, a trend… to deciding that if it was happening in Altus, it was already passé. This journey from ''hot'' to ''not'' likely took 0.3 seconds, a new record for even her.

The day finished with Paris and Nicole avenging their ''little brother'' Justin. They found the girl who broke up with him and decided that she could use a good old-fashioned L.A.-style insecurity complex. So they giggled at her, mocked her, and then told her that her boyfriend had made out with four other girls, AND Paris and Nicole. There's a hiker's motto that says ''take only pictures, leave only footprints.'' The girls' motto for this trip seems to be ''take only self-esteem, leave only eating disorders.''

Originally posted Dec 16, 2003