''Simple Life''

Cow Hands

The girls put their hands where the sun don't shine -- Paris and Nicole have a busy day, says Josh Wolk, what with all the credit-card theft and cow-butt-reaching

Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie | YOU'RE GONNA LOVE L.A., BESSIE Paris and Nicole hang with their new friend
Image credit: The Simple Life: Michael Yarish
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE L.A., BESSIE Paris and Nicole hang with their new friend

The girls' hands go where the sun don't shine

Wow! Two nights in a row of ''The Simple Life''! It's like having a dinner guest overstay his welcome for an extra hour!

The Dec. 17 episode found the girls with a new job to foul up. Apparently Fox won't be happy until they set fire to the Altus Bureau of Commerce. This time they were hired at the cattle auction. Yes, this meant that Fox would finally be giving us our Christmas gift: that footage of Nicole with her hand shoved up a cow's privates that we've been promised for months. Thanks, Santa!

When the girls first interviewed with the auctioneer, Nicole plunked her bare legs and high-heeled shoes onto his desk and asked if she could wear short-shorts with knee-high boots to work. Apparently this was intended to be flirtatious, but the guy just stared at her, looking about as aroused as if Joan Rivers had just lifted up her blouse and said, ''How much for the pair, sailor?''

At home that night, they played some sort of trivia game with the family, and we had a topical moment when a Shannen Doherty question arose and Paris said, ''I hate that girl.'' As you might know, Doherty is the ex-wife of Rick Solomon, the guy Paris was with in her sex video (Doherty and Solomon are reportedly reconciling). See, little Paris? You can run all the way to Altus, but you can't run away from heartbreak. And we know you've got a heart because we can see it beating against your ribcage through your shirt… DEAR GOD WILL YOU EAT A CUPCAKE OR SOMETHING AND PUT ON SOME WEIGHT, ALREADY!

Sorry… back to the episode.

The girls arrived late at the auction lot, and helped out by throwing glitter on the cows and trying to pet them. Wheee! (''They're fixing to get the s--- kicked out of them,'' said the auctioneer optimistically.) The auctioneer then sent the girls to buy some feed and charge it to his account, which is a little like sending vultures to a mortuary. Nicole confessed her CAD (Charge Account Disease), and they ran around giddily buying things they didn't need and charging it to the auctioneer. What made this okay, apparently, is that they bought a $129 birdhouse for Janet for Mother's Day, so it was thoughtful embezzlement.

When the auctioneer discovered their swindle, he came to the Leding home and banged on the door, intending to make them pay. Nicole pretended that her cat had died, and to look like she was crying, she simulated tears by splashing water over her whole face. Uh, Nicole, that simulates sweating.Tears come from the eyes, not the forehead. Here's a little trick to remember: Sweating is what you do when you're at the gym in the afternoon when most people are at work; crying is what you do when your father Lionel forces you listen to ''Say You Say Me'' remixes.

Eventually, Paris solved the problem by writing her mom's American Express number down for the auctioneer, looking sincere as she declared that she did it so she wouldn't have to return Janet's gift. This would, of course, be far more thoughtless had she not stolen the birdhouse in the first place and only kept it by making her mother pay for it. Yet another touching Christmas moment! It's like Scrooge sending a boy to buy the prize goose for Tiny Tim… and charging it to the Ghost of Christmas Future, who won't realize he's been stuck with the bill until years from now.

But to truly learn their lesson, the girls had to be sent back to the cattle ranch to stick their arms up cows' asses. The girls seemed really upset, but perhaps that's just because they realized that they had been duped: Hey, there's no Tiffany box in there!

Originally posted Dec 18, 2003