Paris and Nicole are back!
So it's a brand new year, and I'm having all those ''fresh start'' feelings, thinking, ''2004 is going to be best year ever! Life is good, and full of possibilities!''
And I flip on the TV on Wednesday night. And I see ''The Simple Life,'' which I haven't seen in three weeks and kind of forgot existed.
And then I feel sad.
Look at it this way: You make all your resolutions, and promise to be a better, more productive person for 2004… and then you realize that no matter how hard you work, you will never have as much money as these two women who are being paid even more money to run around a gas station in fur coats and make out with teenagers. Kind of takes the incentive out of developing a work ethic, doesn't it?
Speaking of work ethics, the gals developed a reasonable facsimile of one for the first time on the Jan. 7 episode when they were hired at a gas station. (Considering the disasters they've wreaked everywhere else, when I saw the gas sign I was expecting this episode to end in a giant fireball.) It was less the satisfaction of a tank well-filled that inspired them than the opportunity to flirt with barely legal boys. And with 86-year-old toothless men.
When they met the handsy gramps, Paris said ''You're hot,'' in the exact same intonation she's said it to every other man she sees. With her limited inflection and vocabulary, Paris is like one of those Barbie dolls with a cord in her back which you pull to make her talk. She seems only to have about eight phrases in her memory chip, including, ''You're such a bitch,'' ''This is torture'' and ''Oh, my God, I can't believe you flushed Curley's heart medicine down the toilet! That's so funny!''
The girls found love at the gas station with local boys Chops and Anthony, both barely 18. The girls' main pickup line seemed to be that they could make the guys models. I was actually hoping that the cameras would continue to follow these guys along to L.A. as the girls promptly forgot about them and they were left on the street turning tricks. It's not that I wish that horrible life upon them; it would just be a refreshing gender switch on the old ''young girl goes to Hollywood and becomes a junkie prostitute'' cautionary tale. Then small-town boys' schools could show their students these ''Simple Life'' episodes in a double feature with old VD films to teach them the dangers of big-city women.
As for Chops, that was one hell of an appropriate nickname. His mouth has a circumference of about three feet, and he looked like he brushed his teeth with Wite-Out. Damn right he could be a model: He could make a mint posing for lip balm ads… although he would go through a whole tube just tracing his mouth.
Eventually, Janet and Albert had to put the hammer down on the girls for staying out all day with the guys. Albert said that he wanted the girls home more often. Uhh…why? If you had them staying at your house, wouldn't every moment they spent off the premises be a delight?
However, the girls sneaked out to head to a bar, where they entertained the locals with their women-only reenactment of ''Sid & Nancy,'' and concluded with Nicole pouring bleach onto a pool table. Oh, yeah, I can see why Albert wanted more quality time with them.