Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet for the week of January 16, 2004
1 THE MARTHA STEWART TRIAL We'll all feel a little safer once she's off the streets. As soon as she's behind bars, we can drop the terrorism alert down to beige.
2 BRITNEY SPEARS Apparently she thought she was getting a tattoo, not married.
3 THE CROCODILE HUNTER Wait, wasn't Australian daredevil Steve Irwin holding twins a few minutes ago?
4 RAY DAVIES The leader of the proto-punk band the Kinks got shot in the leg during a robbery. Not to worry, it wasn't his guitar-playing leg.
5 PETE ROSE He now admits that he did bet on baseball games. Is he trying to get into the Baseball Hall of Fame or the Gamblers Hall of Fame?
6 CHASING LIBERTY The President's daughter sets off a dangerous international crisis when she secretly runs off with a young man. This would be okay only if he's really, like, cute.
7 30TH ANNUAL PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS They've already scheduled a People's Choice Recall Vote for June.
8 iPOD MINI It only holds 1,000 songs, but that's still about 900 more than you'll ever want to listen to.
9 ROBO-TRIPPING Inventive teens have discovered that if you drink enough of some cough medicines you can get high. Now you have to worry about your kids because they're not coughing.
10 THE MARS ROVER It's sending back pictures of a distant, inhospitable, useless, barren wasteland. Whoops, sorry, those are pictures from the Iraq Rover.