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Stupid Questions

This week with...Vanilla Ice

Stop! Collaborate and listen. It's 2004 and Vanilla Ice is chillin'. The honky homeboy who hit it big rapping about turtles (''Ninja Rap'') and himself (''Ice Ice Baby'') is now kickin' it with a new posse (including Erik Estrada and Ron Jeremy) on The WB's Surreal Life (Sundays at 9 p.m.). But can he still dance his way around a few stupid questions?

-- Dalton Ross

NOW, THIS INTERVIEW WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THE OTHER DAY, BUT I WAS TOLD YOU GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH A KANGAROO. THIS IS EITHER THE WORST EXCUSE OR THE BEST STORY OF ALL TIME. Well, I have a kangaroo, Bucky Buckaroo, and he scratched me up a bit. So I got a little scab on my face, but it's no big deal.

IN THE GANJA CLASSIC ''ROLL 'EM UP'' YOU RAPPED ABOUT HOW ''I NEED SOME HERBS AND SPICES, SO I CAN FEEL NICES.'' IS IT SAFE TO ASSUME YOU WERE STONED TO THE BEJESUS WHEN YOU CAME UP WITH THE WORD NICES? Nice as. Like nice as the breeze. You understand now? Were you stoned when you listened to it?

I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE! IN THE MOVIE COOL AS ICE, YOU BRAGGED ABOUT HOW YOU WERE GONNA GO ''ACROSS THE STREET AND SCHLING A SCHLONG.'' HOW MANY SCHLONGS WOULD YOU ESTIMATE YOU'VE SCHLUNG IN YOUR DAY? Awwww, man. I lost count a long time ago.

WHAT HURT MORE, HAVING TO WEAR THOSE BAGGY STARS AND STRIPES OUTFITS OR GETTING YOUR ASS WHUPPED BY TODD BRIDGES ON CELEBRITY BOXING? Oh, the outfits for sure. I tried to burn 'em about a year ago. I threw a few of them in the fire and my manager came and confiscated the rest.

WHAT HURT MORE, GETTING YOUR ASS WHUPPED BY TODD BRIDGES ON CELEBRITY BOXING OR LISTENING TO HOWIE D FROM THE BACKSTREET BOYS SING THE ''STAR-SPANGLED BANNER'' ON CELEBRITY BOXING? Did he really? Dude, I was so stoned. I smoked a joint before the fight. I thought it was gonna be like some kind of staged bulls -- -, and he came out actually swinging. And I was like, Goddamn it!

ONE TIME ON MTV YOU DESTROYED THE MASTER-COPY VIDEO FOR ''ICE ICE BABY'' WITH A BAT. THAT WAS COOL, BUT COULDN'T YOU HAVE TAKEN OUT EVERYTHING BY GERARDO, TOO? YOU KNOW, SINCE YOU WERE THERE AND ALL? I did! I destroyed the whole set. And the security guards were asking me for autographs as they kicked me out on my ass.

YOU ALSO MADE A WELL-PUBLICIZED APPEARANCE IN MADONNA'S SEX BOOK. FORGIVE ME FOR ASKING, BUT WAS THERE SOME SCHLONG SCHLINGING GOING ON THERE? Inquiring minds want to know. Of course, man. Of course!

YOU'VE GONE FROM TO THE EXTREME TO COMPETING IN A BUNCH OF EXTREME SPORTS. COULD YOU BE THE PERSON FINALLY TO SPEARHEAD THE MAKING OF BREAKIN' 3: MOTOCROSS BOOGALOO? That sounds awesome! If I use that I don't have to give you residuals, do I?

WE'LL TALK. FINALLY, PEOPLE FORGET SOMETIMES THAT YOU SOLD OVER 15 MILLION ALBUMS. SO, TELL ME AGAIN WHAT IT WAS LIKE GETTING HIT IN THE FACE BY TODD BRIDGES. It was the biggest buzzkill I ever had.

Originally posted Jan 23, 2004 Published in issue #747-748 Jan 23, 2004 Order article reprints
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