The ultimate guide for Oscar viewers
1. BEST PRESHOW DRINKING GAME Take a swig everytime Joan or Melissa Rivers misidentifies an actor, incorrectly names a film, or insults a celeb.
2. BEST DURING-SHOW DRINKING GAME (IF YOU'RE STILL CONSCIOUS) Take a drink every time a presenter stumbles over the names Shohreh Aghdashloo, Djimon Hounsou, Fernando Meirelles, or any of the Best Foreign Language films.
3. BEST REASON NOT TO TAKE A BATHROOM BREAK Bill Murray will be allowed to say whatever he wants -- for as long as he wants -- if he wins. So don't leave the room. (Unless you've been playing the drinking game, in which case: Go, but make it quick!)
4. BEST REASON TO WISH FOR LONG SPEECHES The censors have only a five-second delay. Need we say more?
5. BEST REASON TO ENVY THE LOSERS The $40,000 gift bag they'll receive (includes a Caesar's Palace vacation, LASIK eye surgery, and a round-trip ticket on Song airlines).
6. BEST WAY TO IMITATE THE LOSERS Wipe some Vaseline on your teeth (as beauty contestants do) to achieve that ''I didn't win, but I'm sooo happy for the person who did'' perma-smile.
7. BEST SNACK DURING THE CEREMONY Fast food. Then at least one thing during the show will be fast.
8. BEST WAY TO SOUND SMART ON MONDAY MORNING ''Patricia Clarkson was robbed.''
9. BEST OUTFIT TO WEAR WHILE WATCHING Oh, right. As if anyone's going to be looking at you.
10. BEST WAY TO KEEP SCORE Let us help: Download the ballot.