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WITH THE TELECAST OVER, EW HANDS OUT THE AWARDS THAT THE ACADEMY MISSED

MOST HATED BUSH AT THE CEREMONY In an upset, Billy. Unlike cousin George W., the ABC host was willing to drape himself over Alec Baldwin in the line of duty.

BEST USE OF A SIBLING'S NOMINATION FOR OVER-THE-SHOULDER SCREEN TIME Billy Baldwin, who nailed the role of the Vaguely Familiar Guy Sitting Behind Shohreh Aghdashloo. Somewhere in the San Fernando Valley, a straight-to-video Backdraft sequel was greenlit.

NOT TO BE FED AFTER MIDNIGHT Benicio ''Stripe'' Del Toro.

MOST FAMOUS NOBODY Sean Penn's seat filler, who apparently spent more time in Sean Penn's seat than Sean Penn.

MOST UNAMUSED Sean Penn.

MOST UNAMUSED (RUNNER-UP) Robin Williams, during Billy Crystal's impression of him.

LEAST AMUSED OF ALL Michael Eisner, the butt of several jokes, including Williams' gag about how he'll soon have nothing left but ''a Muppet and a waterslide.'' All this, on Eisner's own network.

BEST REFERENCE TO A MEXICAN FAST-FOOD CHAIN Will Ferrell and Jack Black's song, which culminated in a glorious cadenza on ''Del Taco.''

BEST CRACK Best Original Song presenter Will Ferrell's successful attempt to break up copresenter Jack Black with his whispery pronunciation of nominated composer ''Sting...''

OLDEST ACCESSORY The hurdy-gurdy wound up by Sting.

OLDEST MATERIAL Billy Crystal's entire routine, which was apparently looted from Iraq's National Museum of Antiquities.

MOST CRYPTIC SHOUT-OUT Blake Edwards' thank-you to ''the little guy with the shovel.''

MOST CRYPTIC INTRODUCTION ''Believe it or not, I have been wearing makeup for 35 years,'' said presenter and time-traveling Mary Kay spokesperson Scarlett Johansson.

WINNER OF THE ''CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT'' AWARD ''I have an Australian accent,'' declared Russell Boyd after winning the Best Cinematography Oscar for Master and Commander.

WINNER OF THE ''CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT'' AWARD (RUNNER-UP) The intro for Seabiscuit star Tobey Maguire: ''He's been a spider...and a jockey!''

MOST AERODYNAMIC Oscar winner Annie Lennox, whose hair was done by Lockheed Martin.

MOST AWKWARD CUT When Tom Hanks mentioned the late, lamented Bob Hope, cameras obviously in search of the oldest living Academy member cut to Mickey Rooney.

BEST CALL Peter Jackson wisely not mandating a solemn moment of silence for all the Gondorians, Rohirrim, orcs, and trolls who nobly gave their lives at the bloody Battle of the Pelennor Fields.

Originally posted Mar 12, 2004 Published in issue #755 Mar 12, 2004 Order article reprints
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