Stupid Questions

Stupid Questions

this week with...Raquel Welch

She's costarred with everyone from a mighty dinosaur to Bill Cosby, and her famous fur-bikini-clad cavewoman from One Million Years B.C. has become a bedroom-wall staple for many a modern-day caveman. So on the occasion of this movie -- along with several other Welch classics -- being released on DVD by Fox Home Entertainment March 9, we called the embodiment of female pulchritude and gave her the embodiment of editorial ineptitude: that is to say, a bunch of stupid questions. -- Scott Brown

What was it like working with the dinosaurs in One Million Years B.C.? Did you worry they might try to claymate with you?

There were, of course, no dinosaurs present at the time. I kept asking the director about my character's motivation. And he would just shake his head and say, ''Look, just start at rock A and run to rock B, and in the middle pretend that you see a giant turtle coming over the hill.''

I hear that's how they made Howards End. Speaking of highly regarded films, you were in the Carrot Top opus Chairman of the Board.... Do you wanna talk about it?

No.

Sometimes it helps to talk about it.

No.

If I showed you a Carrot Top doll, could you show me where, on the doll, he was most annoying?

I'd rather deal with a Willie Nelson doll.

Say the Taliban were to rise again, and we had to drop a sex bomb on Kandahar. Would you do your patriotic duty?

I don't think I'm a good candidate for the sex bomb thing anymore. I think you'd have to go to either J. Lo or Britney Spears, or Beyonce.

They don't have what it takes.

Believe me, they do. They're trying very hard to show it to you guys, so if you've missed it, I don't know what kind of cave you're living in.

Well, speaking of caves, I've been offered a role in a somewhat lower-budget version of One Million Years B.C. Any advice?

Be careful with your loincloth. I know I was very careful with mine.

They're asking me to grow my own fur bikini. A bad sign?

Grow it? Oh, dear.

Hey, are you okay?

No, no, no, no. I'm just confused. You're calling it a fur bikini...but there was hardly any fur on mine.

That's true.

And I'm not a very furry girl, as you may have noticed.

I noticed. And I also noticed it was...um...really cold on that set.

Yeah, they had to build fires under the cameras to keep them rolling. I'm out there in that little thong thing. [Sings] ''Thong, thong, thong.''

Was that the ''Thong Song''? It suddenly took me back to One Million Years B.C.

[Sings] ''I like the way you move....'' Sorry. I'm just riffing here. I've been sick in bed for the past few days. Then again, it could be the Robitussin.

It's okay. With any luck, you won't remember a word of this.

Originally posted Mar 12, 2004 Published in issue #755 Mar 12, 2004 Order article reprints
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