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Sound Bites

''Do you own, like, shorts?'' ELLEN DEGENERES TO PRINCE, ON THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW

''When they say we're getting close to Osama, do they mean emotionally?'' COMEDIAN PAUL F. TOMPKINS, ABOUT THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION'S HUNT FOR BIN LADEN, ON VH1'S BEST WEEK EVER

''According to MSNBC, an employee at NASA's mission control announced he's bored with his job and has decided to become a porn actor. The NASA employee said, 'What can I say? There's a lot of things I'd rather probe than Mars.''' CONAN O'BRIEN ON LATE NIGHT

''This photograph looks like the battery's died in her vibrator.'' JUDGE JANICE DICKINSON, CRITICIZING APRIL'S PHOTO SHOOT, ON AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

''He's probably scared to death.'' TOM ARNOLD TO THE APPRENTICE BOOTEE OMAROSA, AFTER SHE CLAIMED HER HUSBAND IS SHY, ON THE TONIGHT SHOW

Originally posted Mar 19, 2004 Published in issue #756 Mar 19, 2004 Order article reprints
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