He doesn't usually kiss on a first date? Uh, right!
ABC, I don't wanna say that you're looking more desperate than insecure lawyer girl Jesse... but when the highlight of your show is premiering ''Apprentice'' Bill's ''secret audition tape,'' it's time to worry. I think I'll join you. Here's what's freakin' me out.
Jesse I'm not talking about the Bachelor (yet). I'm talking about Miss Touchy-Feely, who seized some alone time on a group date to molest Mr. Palmer. I have no idea what she was thinking rubbing his chest, arms, and face -- nor do I have any idea what she was saying, because I was too busy screaming into my pillow. (I muffled the sound long enough to hear Palmer say how ''very creeped out'' he was.) Yes, the girl was out of bounds, but I can't help thinking that had it been one of the six women he ultimately decided to keep -- Mandy Jaye, Suzie, Tara, Jessica B., Karen, and Trish -- he would've been happy to receive that petting.
Karen ''I feel like Karen is a diamond in the rough,'' spy Jenny S. told Jesse. So ''the rough'' is now the Miss Rhode Island beauty pageant circuit? I'm fine with Jesse hanging onto Karen -- because I think there's more good TV to be had in her -- I just hope I don't actually have to start liking her...
Trish She finally started earning her ''most hated woman in 'Bachelor' history'' title, but not because she confessed to: cheating on a boyfriend, having a one-night stand, having sex with more than one person in a day, having sex with a married man, having sex with two married women, having sex three days before she left for the show, having sex with roughly 30 to 35 people total, or saying that she's on a different level than Suzie because she's ''elegant, professional, and sophisticated and not a 'babbling idiot.'''
No, I just thought she was a bit of a brat on her threesome date with Jesse and Mandy Jaye -- I've seen people on ''Dismissed'' handle being left alone with more class. When you sign on to a show that makes you one of 25 suitors, you kind of give up your right to jealousy, no? In Trish's defense, I will say that all the women arguing that she acts differently around Jesse is a load of crap. She's been on private or semiprivate dates with the man, so how would they know? And unlike them, he's not asking her about her sexual history every two seconds. I'm pretty sure she'd have shared it with him.
Tara Jenny likes her. I like her. But anyone else fear that she's too naive to make it in Jesse's world? Yes, it was smart of her to plan on not kissing him on their private date -- and FYI Jesse: never refer to yourself as a kiss-stealing Jesse James again -- but she got way too excited at the sight of those gowns waiting for her. I still find that dress-up segment of ''every girl's dream date'' offensive.
Jessica B. I sooo don't wanna like this Barbie-meets-Kate Bosworth, but if she keeps saying things like she and Jesse would be ''certifiably insane'' if they didn't explore the spark between them, it's going to be hard. Next to Karen, she's got the most sound bite potential.
Jenny S. Someone please explain to me why she's so freaked at the thought of these women finding out that she's a spy. They're only going to be pissed if they've said or done things to be embarrassed by (lookin' at you, Trish). And hello: the cameras would ultimately reveal those secrets to Jesse when the show airs even if you didn't, Jenny. Also, did you notice her goodbye to some of the girls? ''Just promise me you still love me.'' Right. Coz they've known each other for all of, what, 12 days? Chill, spy girl.
Suzie We now know that she scored highest on the Jesse compatibility test (and that Jenny S. is a big fan). But what we don't know is exactly what she and Jesse have in common. Would it kill these people to talk about the TV shows they watch, the movies they own, the music they listen to? (Or would it kill ABC to show them discussing such info?)
Mandy Jaye I, too, have worn a tiara around the house for no apparent reason, so I won't hit her there. How is kissing in a sauna while your date's other date is lounging in a nearby pool intimate? Jesse clearly likes her, but besides a mutual interest in children's charities, I'm still not seeing ''the connection.''
Jesse The biting of Suzie's lower lip aside, I really don't need to see his kissing technique quite so often. How dare he tell Trish that he doesn't normally make out on the first date. Would he like to say that again with Suzie, Mandy Jaye, and Jessica B. in the room? And for the record, I hope we never see Jesse dancing with anyone but Tara. Because that will mean he was forced to do it. He just couldn't imagine dancing with anyone but her.
The stalker Before the Rose Ceremony, host Chris Harrison thanked the women for their patience. Which made me think a) how long did Jesse take in the Deliberation Room and b) shouldn't Chris be thanking the audience for waiting for this damn stalker? After all this build-up (note: we didn't get a promo on this episode -- perhaps because the footage the network had been teasing us with was actually Tara walking in for her one-on-one with Jesse), it best be good.