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''British prime minister Tony Blair apologized for the mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners. Apparently some of the prisoners were accidentally given British food.'' CONAN O'BRIEN ON ''LATE NIGHT''

''Do you know what life is like there for a good-looking straight man? You'll be like a Snickers bar at a fat camp.'' BEBE (HARRIET SANSOM HARRIS) TO FRASIER (KELSEY GRAMMER) ON HIS MOVING TO SAN FRANCISCO, ON ''FRASIER''

''I'm back in the real world, where I'm taller than most women, and I can still date any guy I want because I'm shorter than most of them.'' 5-FOOT-7-INCH JENASCIA, WHO'S CLEARLY NOT OVER HER SHORT COMPLEX, ON THE ''AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL'' UPDATE

''Vicki is what we doctors call 'fugly.''' PLASTIC SURGEON DR. LANCE HAGGART (CHRIS PARNELL), ABOUT A UNIBROWED, GAP-TOOTHED ''SWAN'' CONTESTANT (ASHLEY OLSEN), ON ''SNL''

Originally posted May 28, 2004 Published in issue #767 May 28, 2004 Order article reprints