(2) Thank my producer for those diction lessons! For about half the album, I had to sing my hits, like ''I Turn to You'' and ''Genie in a Bottle,'' in this other language. I thought it would be easy -- Ecuadorian, remember? -- but geez, he had to write everything out for me phonetically! I'm a hard worker, though. And I sure showed him that no matter how many foreign words I had to learn, I can still hit TONS of unnecessary high notes. Wait'll Mariah hears me on ''El Beso del Final'' (that means ''The Final Kiss,'' you guys)! She'll have one of those midlife crises!
(3) Send thank-you note to Luis Fonsi. He's this cool new Puerto Rican singer who dueted on ''Si No Te Hubiera Conocido'' (''If I Hadn't Met You''). He's got a nice voice, but he didn't get in my way. Hey, isn't it cool how some of the new songs are pretty ballads old Latin ladies'll like, and the brassy ones with horns -- like ''Falsas Esperanzas'' (''False Hopes'') -- still leave me room to growl like a ''blues singer''? Wow!
(4) Send another thank-you note to my ''handlers.'' Not only did we record a Spanish version of ''Come on Over Baby,'' but it's going to be used in a Coca-Cola commercial! Michael Jackson was right -- hawking your music in pursuit of world conquest RULES!
(5) Make sure they use photos of me on the cover in tight, skimpy white outfits, with at least two belly-button shots. Take THAT, Jennifer L.! Oh, and ask translator how to say ''south-of-the-border jailbait'' in Ecuadorian.
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