''Simple Life''

Naked Lunch

Paris and Nicole make friends at a nudist resort... And apparently, they never met a nudist they couldn't scam, says Nicholas Fonseca

Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, ... | AUTO EROTIC Nicole and Paris enjoy a little down time
AUTO EROTIC Nicole and Paris enjoy a little down time

Paris and Nicole make friends at a nudist resort

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have never met a chore that they couldn't soon weasel themselves out of having to complete. Last night, in a pretty hilarious episode, the two ''worked'' as chambermaids in Florida's nudist-friendly Caliente Resort.

But before they even got to their ''job,'' they were already scamming: Still broke and with what was apparently one dollar and about 80 assorted coins to their names, the girls began haggling their way out of actually having to take responsibility for any of their actions at Burger King. Having obviously gone hungry for days -- and having obviously not seen ''Super Size Me,'' I might add -- Paris and Nicole quickly racked up a $22 lunch bill. (''Two crispy tacos…?'' ''A sourdough bacon cheeseburger…'' ''Oh, and a cherry I-cee!'' were among the exclamations I caught.)

Unable to actually pay the darn thing, mind you, Nicole quickly devised a foolproof scheme to actually pig out… if not actually fork over the dough. Taking turns, the girls ran to their pink monstrosity of a truck; Nicole took food and downed it in the front seat, while Paris sorta just swiped her hand across the dash and grabbed whatever loose change happened to be lying around. After pretty much eating half of her lunch at the counter, Nicole attempted to just ''give it back'' and pay the difference, but no dice! The stern, unfeeling manager ordered her to cough up the missing 11 dollars.

And who should come to the rescue? Why, the two pubescent males so cleverly aware of the Fox video crew trailing the two impossibly beautiful harlots sashaying through that there burger joint 'round the bend from home! As I'm sure even Tinkerbell -- and where was that dog this week, anyway? -- could have seen what was coming next: A few batted eyelashes later, the girls were paying their bill and hightailing it to their next ''job.''

I suppose I can sympathize with their plight -- hunger makes people do some really crazy things. Wars are fought because people can't eat. One time I had no more than 60 cents in my pocket and was so sure that there was just no way I could make it downstairs to the ATM without dying that I folded and bought, like, a box of Dots in the office vending machine for sustenance. But couldn't they have at least ordered from the value menu?

The food did seem to help Nicole think a bit straighter, though. When the girls were reading about their next assignment at the Caliente Resort, all Paris could come up with was a blasé ''Sounds weird.'' In reply, Nicole fell back on her new catchphrase, ''That's hot,'' and SHE WAS ACTUALLY RIGHT!! Thank God for small favors. The girls reacted, of course, in the only way they knew how after learning that Caliente brims with a hoppin' colony of nudists on a daily basis: They broke into a fit of giggles.

Things weren't so funny the following morning, when they learned that the only showers in their neck of the woods (the posh trailer park) were outdoors. And never mind the fact that by this point, half of the guys at Caliente had probably seen Paris' entire sex video online -- the girls were suddenly feeling coy.

Their next plea for help answered the longstanding question, What do average Americans do when the second coming of Cyndi Lauper shows up on their doorstep at 8 a.m.? In the case of nudists in Florida, they let her in for a shower before she and Paris go to work as hotel maids. Upon meeting their Debbie Downer of a supervisor, who tells them they can't ''stare and laugh at people'' (ha!), the girls' minds are already wandering. By the end of the day, they've torn their uniforms into Marc Jacobs-inspired microminis, taken a quick break on the swing set, pilfered a guest's cell phone to order room service, and forced a friendly Colombian maid to do their work for them. Oh, and they flirted with the Colombian maid. A lot. Hey, they're only doing what comes naturally, right?

Miraculously, the girls manage to get away with all of this under the supposedly watchful eye of their supervisor. Surely, the producers of this show had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she conveniently disappears for a long stretch to allow them time to get away with all of this. No way!

The girls close their stay at the Caliente with a visit to the body acceptance course, where a randy crowd of committed nudists and curious visitors share their feelings about their bodies. One out-of-place dude -- a perfectly chiseled and rather handsome man -- quickly finds himself pounced upon by Nicole, who asks him what he likes most about his body. (Given that she's Nicole, and given that he's pretty much the only good-looking guy in the room, it's safe to assume what she was really asking about… but we'll leave that for, like, the Fox censors to discuss.) Paris' encounter with a perky middle-aged woman who says she loves her ''whole body'' because it's ''aging naturally'' is more winning, especially when Paris responds by gurgling to her new friend that she likes her ''stomach, lips, face, arms and legs.''

In other words? Her whole body.

Originally posted Jun 24, 2004