There are two kinds of people: those who get ''Showgirls'' and know that the ''Pin the Pasties on the Showgirl'' game that accompanies the V.I.P. Edition (NC-17, 131 mins., 1995, MGM) should have been ''Pin the Plastic Ice Cubes on the Showgirl,'' and those who don't (director Paul Verhoeven, who, judging by his lack of participation in this fittingly camp celebration, still believes that he made a movie about the price of fame and self-discovery). We had a few other revelations while road testing this must-have boxed set. The first? Expensing champagne doesn't suck.
BOOZE DOES LOWER INHIBITIONS I'm not saying that by shunning MGM's suggestion to use ''plenty of your favorite NON-ALCOHOLIC beverage'' In your V.I.P. Edition shot glasses, you'll find yourself playing the ''Sip or Strip'' drinking game in the buff. I'm saying that after sipping every time someone says ''darlin''' (we counted 21) and every time Henrietta ''Mama'' Bazoom drops her top (we counted eight), you may find yourself publicly IDing the actor who plays rocker Andrew Carver as ''from 'Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.''' Friends don't let friends forget that. Especially when they're taking notes.
''BAD'' MOVIES NEED THIRD-PARTY COMMENTARIES MGM hit the jackpot with writer David Schmader, famous for hosting ''annotated'' ''Showgirls'' screenings in Seattle. He knows precisely why this movie is sublime: '''Showgirls' triumphs in that every single person involved in the making of the film is making the worst possible decision at every possible time.'' He says exactly what you're thinking when Nomi (Elizabeth Berkley, left) is having sex in the pool: ''Get her some insulin!'' And he almost follows the plot: ''Her life in tatters, her best friend raped, Nomi realizes what must be done: her nails. But these are very special revenge nails.''
''IF YOU LEARN HOW TO DO A GOOD LAP DANCE, ANYTHING YOU WANT CAN COME TRUE'' That mantra comes from Heather, one of two ''exotic'' dancers who offer commentary on a Cheetah Club scene. Verdict: Berkley keeps good eye contact with the audience, but dances too fast and should not have gone off script and licked that pole. They also give a comparatively tame 10-step lap dance tutorial. Sage tips: ''You tease him -- don't let him touch,'' ''We wear long gowns to feel elegant,'' and ''Your partner will find it sexy if you spank yourself.''
IT COULD HAVE BEEN EVEN WORSE (OR DO WE MEAN BETTER?) According to the Trivia Track, Verhoeven offered to give Kyle MacLachlan a ''digital erection.'' The actor wisely declined.