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The Chocolate War

In an eye-candy battle on ''The Apprentice,'' Jen and Sandy's tight tops beat Ivana's dropped skirt

The Apprentice (Season 2) | BEHIND IN HER WORK Slim but shady Ivana got canned
Image credit: Apprentice 2: Eric Liebowitz
BEHIND IN HER WORK Slim but shady Ivana got canned

''The Apprentice'': Ivana's bad booty call

Oh yeah, I called it, kids: Spazvana is finally gone, glory be. And she went out with such class and grace and style, didn't she? Dropping her skirt for $20 in front of the New York Stock Exchange because the other two women (whom she accused of dressing like ''hookers'' from a ''cheap beer dive in Texas'') were selling more candy bars than she was? Saying ''Look . . .'' approximately 47 times in the boardroom? I liked it when she claimed she was smarter than Kevin but literally couldn't speak English for a minute there as he rattled off his fancy degrees — she just stared into the middle distance and finally came back with a total burn of, like, ''That's just education.'' (Ivana, for the record, holds a B.S. from UVa.) (Heh-heh. B.S.)

Maybe my favorite part was when Trump asked Ivana why she should stay. All she could think of to do was whine some intelligence-free verse along the lines of ''Because . . . look! Because . . . [sigh] . . . I . . . But . . . Jen sucks, too!'' As Carolyn would say: genius. Buh-bye, Vonzie!

And at last, it came down to logic, cold and hard: ''This is someone who's gonna run one of your companies, period,'' said Carolyn, referring to Spazvana's skirt-dropping ''gimmick.'' For some reason George liked it, and I think maybe it's because George caught a glimpse of Spazzy's ''bikini shorts'' and liked what he saw. Way to play it old school, George! You the man! But oddly, George also hit the nail on the head: It was all about where he put the emphasis in ''You sold a candy bar for $20?'' Nope. In the end, all the Best Gap Manager Ever could think of to do was sell herself.

(Note: Jen and Sandy were selling themselves, too, in a way, but not for $20, even though there was arguably a hell of a lot more to see there. Plus they had a cute name — the M&M Sisters — and glitter cream.)

But just because the last truly despicable character left at the end of tonight's Very Special M&Ms Commercial — in which the task was to unnecessarily watch over the making and packaging of some candy bars and then sell them for the biggest profit — it doesn't mean we should neglect the glories to be found throughout the entire episode. Maybe it's because my Apprentice-watching buddy Al is in Cancún (bitch) and so I haven't had any wine, but I thought tonight was just chock-full of nummy comedy gold. I swear, my relationship with this damn show is so love-hate I think I should be dating it. Some things that are making me consider taking it out for dinner and a movie:

  • When Kevin, Kelly, and Vonny Spaz-Spaz were all hatin' on Jen and Sandy until they got back from the Boardroom, at which point a round of superfake hugs commenced and they tried to milk the ladies for info, but Jen said, ''I don't personally feel like talking about it that much.'' And so they had to be all like, ''Thas cool, man . . . thas cool.'' (And somewhere in a dark tower between New York and Vanuatu, Mark Burnett took a deep satisfied breath and exhaled, ''Aaah. Now thas tee-vee.'')

  • When Jen and Sandy were sitting side by side on the couch and playing poutily with their hair, and Jen said, ''I think Mr. Trump wants to see the two of us together,'' and Sandy sort of relaxed her head into the back of the sofa and twirled her hair a little more while gazing at Jen through her beady little eyes, and then Jen's face got all stern and she said, ''We cannot give him the enjoyment of having the two of us in the Boardroom!'' and you do not even want to know where my mind went at that point.

  • When Jen and Sandy were sitting side by side in the van and playing poutily with maps and talking about how well their matching red tank tops and short denim skirts were going to help them sell candy bars, because people could ''buy some candy from the eye candy'' and the van driver piped up with ''And I can be the Candyman!'' and Jen made this sort of eh-heh noise and the Candyman looked like he could have pulled over right then and there and killed himself dead. It never stops being high school, does it?

  • Don't tell anyone, but Kevin — with whom I have previously had a very dubious relationship — had two of the best lines tonight, first when he explained that no, the real M&Ms factory does not in fact have Oompa-Loompas and then when he was standing at the chocolate conveyor belt and said, ''I'm like Lucille Ball. Except darker. And bigger. And less feminine.'' Oh Kevin. And here I was all unconflicted about my choice for the winner! And you had to go and be all literate 'n' stuff! (Wait: Does knowing old I Love Lucy eps count as ''literate''?)

  • Speaking of winners, I will say that my mind went to a marginally more comfortable place when Jen and Sandy — who made $1023.11 in candy-bar profits to the other team's $560.75, despite keeping all their clothes on (well, all of the clothes they'd started out with that day, anyway) — were visiting Dungeon Bill in Chicago as their reward, and at the end of their little pep talk (during which he said Sandy and Jen were just like him and Kwame. Yeah, except lighter. And teenier. And more feminine. . . .), Dungeon Bill, who may not have known the love of a woman for yea these many moons down in his dark, dank cell, went in for hugs. You go, Dungeon Bill! Git some! Unh! Yeah!

    But then there were the moments that made me want to delete this show from my cell phone and pretend like I dropped the phone in the toilet so I wouldn't have to explain why I never call anymore:

  • The glee I felt in Vonny Von Gapowitz's firing was largely diminished by (1) her being like the 900th consecutive losing Project Manager to get the boot and (2) Donald Trump not making one single joke about firing someone with the same name as his famous ex-wife. WTF?

  • When Kevin and Ivana were sitting side by side before the boardroom and Kevin was telling Ivana he hoped she won, and in his really sweet testimonial he said how much he liked her and considered her a true friend. And then Ivana said she hoped that, like, um, well, someone's gotta win, ya know, and, like . . . and then in her testimonial, she was all like ''I'm going to annihilate everyone with my slow-acting poison and then eat their brains.'' Argh! I hates her! I hates the Vonster!

    Oh, wait. She got fired, right? Never mind! I wanna date this show!

    WHO'S GOING TO WIN? My Odds on the Final Four

    Kevin Smart, successful, and stealthy in a Kwame-esque manner (and not just because he's the token black guy). No Omarosa in sight to trip him up, but I'm pretty sure she'll come back to the show if the price is right (um, $50 and a sandwich?), and so we can never rule out that sort of total wild-card implosion. 5-1.

    Kelly Cocky and balls-out in a Troy-type way. Too militaristic by half. Trump unlikely to pick another white guy as the winner. 10-1.

    Sandy Did I mention her eyes are weirdly beady? She's got the Bill Rancic Memorial Lack of a College Degree — wait: Bill has a college degree? Then why did he let her compare herself to him? — but she's nowhere near as good at managing tasks and also does not have an Amy to do most of the work for her behind the scenes. And unlike Omarosa, Amy probably ain't coming back. 20-1.

    Jen Was referred to as both creative and a fantastic salesperson tonight. Previously described by the Dearly Departed Raj as ''analytical, calculating, and beautiful . . . a deadly combination.'' Knows better than to unnecessarily make herself Project Manager. Generally acts, dresses, and thinks the most like a grownup. Even though she is a bit of a fembot. But hey. Not all robots are evil. 3-1.

    What do you think? When Ivana got fired, were you happy, elated, or ecstatic? And who is your pick to win it all?

  • Originally posted Dec 03, 2004

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