Give It a Rest, Sabbath

''The Osbournes'' is certainly amusing, but it also can be unintentionally revealing. Take, for instance, the scene in the first episode in which Ozzy plops down in his living room to catch his appearance on ''The Tonight Show.'' As he watches himself flailing away on another monotonous piece of grindcore metal, Ozzy doesn't seem happy. Instead, he drops his head and has a look on his face somewhere between disgust and embarrassment.

Yes, Ozzy finally realizes what most of us have known for a long time: that his legend and influence are one thing, his dreadful music absolutely another.

Apparently, consuming vats of drugs and alcohol and biting the heads off little creatures hasn't tainted Ozzy's luck at all. The instant sensation that is ''The Osbournes'' is one indication of his ongoing good fortune. The wall of platinum albums in his office is further proof. More amazing than his new TV celebrity is the fact that he's turned a grating voice, minimal songwriting, and the cheesiest of music into a 30-plus-year career.

Actually, make that 25 years. Early Black Sabbath still holds up well. I still have fond memories of congregating with teenage friends in a darkened bedroom and listening to ''Sabbath Bloody Sabbath'' as if we were engaging in a subversive, clandestine ritual.

The problem is what followed. Ozzy's record company just reissued remastered editions of his supposedly classic albums, so I had a chance to hear them anew. It was a grueling experience -- just ask my office neighbor. ''Blizzard of Ozz,'' his 1980 post-Sabbath debut, holds up reasonably well, thanks to ''Crazy Train'' (still as good a track as Sab ever cut), and ''Suicide Solution'' has historical interest.

But after that, it's all downhill. The songs are all mucky riffs and bat-claws-on-blackboard singing; his power ballads have, to be kind, not dated well. For guitarheads, 1981's ''Diary of a Madman'' benefits from the presence of Randy Rhoads, who sadly died not long after its release. But when the high point of last year's ''Down to Earth'' is a collaboration with a former member of Foreigner, you know you're in trouble.

Remember the cringeworthy duet with Lita Ford? Remember the '80s videos that sought to recast Ozzy as a hair-metal icon -- and how his moussed hair and weight-obscuring robes made him look like a frustrated housewife on a rampage? Remember the cartoonish ''satanism''? And people still take him seriously. Like I said earlier, he must have cracked open one incredible fortune cookie at one point in his life.

Don't get me wrong: Ozzy seems like a likeable enough guy, and I'm glad he's a TV sensation. ''The Osbournes'' sells the fantasy that one can still be a rock & roll rebel even with wife, children, many personal belongings, and a massive home, and that must be reassuring to some. Let's hope the show continues -- if only because it means Ozz won't have time to enter a recording studio for a while.

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