SNAPPLE GOOD FRUIT! BAD FRUIT!

Recast Nintendo archetypes Link and Zelda as anthropomorphic fruit mutants and you still wouldn't have this bizarro Shockwave quester, wherein produce paladins scour an industrial hell in search of (you guessed it) ''the best stuff on earth,'' a.k.a. Snapple. Avatar alternates Strawberry Sweetheart and Peachy Keen purport to have different personalities, but don't expect an X-Men-like range of superpowers: They outrun evil cola cans and jump pools of toxic goo with roughly equal facility. They also take a frustratingly long time to die. And to think, with every second wasted, I could be out buying and consuming more Snapple. B+