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The ultimate Survivor rants, raves, and reveals her slightly warped sense of humor

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''Survivor'''s Tina leaves EW some strange voice mail | tina_l

WHEN A STRANGER CALLS Wesson's odd voice mail oratories kept EW staffer Spaeth entertained through the entire ''Survivor'' season

Illustration of Tina Wesson by Drew Friedman

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Survivor

Mere minutes after a seemingly incredulous Tina Wesson -- her face buried firmly in her hands -- was announced as the ultimate Survivor, Bryant Gumbel asked the newly minted millionaire what she had to say for herself. ''Ohhh, I just never believed it,'' she aw-shucked. ''I never believed it. Never once. I've never even thought about the voting process, who might be voting for who.''

Oh, that crazy Tina -- still trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes even after the game had ended. In fact, EW has been getting a ringside view of this sweet li'l mom from Tennessee's poker face -- ever since she began leaving a series of playfully menacing phone messages to EW staffer Dan Spaeth. That's right -- the newly crowned ''Survivor'' champ had been secretly calling Entertainment Weekly for weeks before her coronation. After getting word (via fellow Survivor / EW temp Mitchell Olson) that Spaeth , a sales representative, had been disappointed after picking Tina's name in a ''Survivor'' office pool, Wesson proceeded to bombard him with voice mails, chastising him for not having more faith in her.

''Every Friday I would look forward to coming in and listening to her message,'' says Spaeth, who ended up with $160 from the pool -- a far cry from the million smackers Wesson took home. ''But I was disappointed that I never had a chance to actually speak with her.'' (It should be noted that at no point did Tina divulge any spoilers or even remotely hint that she was the winner.) Below are the unedited transcripts of the telltale voicemails (in which Tina delivers her spin on the previous night's ''Survivor'' episode). With their mix of Southern charm and cutesy treachery, the tapes reveal the same perpetually cryptic Tina Wesson who, after Gumbel asked whether she was ultimately more ''sweet and motherly'' or ''ruthless,'' casually responded: ''In the middle, little of both.'' Read on and see just how right she was.

ON POWER, JERRI, AND MR. T
TINA: [In a surprisingly convincing Mexican accent] Hola, Senor Dan. This is Senorita Teeeeena. [End of accent] So! Whadja think about the show last night? Did you notice how the power was just sucked...sucked out of Jerri? Just sucked out of her. Up and gone. The all powerful Oz has left the building. Now she's just a sitting duck, sitting there waiting patiently, waiting, waiting for who will go first. [Cackling in background] Will it be the diabolical Jerri or the little housewife from Tennessee, the little harmless fly on the wall? I wonder who got Jerri in your office. I wonder, I wonder. Well, it's just too bad you got me, that's all I can say. I pity you [Launching into her best Mr. T impression], I pity the man, I pity the man who got me. [End of Mr. T] Well, I hope you have a dandy day.

ON THE SWEETNESS OF REVENGE
Hey, Dan. I didn't want you to think that I forgot that you weren't happy with drawing my name and that I'd just forgotten that little incident because no, I have not. [Sing-songy tone] Noooooo-oh! And I haven't completely forgiven you for that. And I'm plotting something dastardly for you. I don't quite know what it is yet, but you'll just have to wait and see. [Mock sinister] Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. Well, I hope you have a great day and I will talk to you la-a-a-ter! Toodles! Bye!

ON THE HEARTACHE OF TRIBAL COUNCIL
I'm beginning to think it's a big joke. You don't really, really work there. You just have a voice mail at this office. Is that correct? Hiyeee, Dan! Do you believe it? Can you believe what unfolded last night? Ho, ho, you think I'm this coldhearted wench, but see, actually, I'm trying to save everybody's lives. If we didn't vote Mitchell off, me, Colby, Keith, Amber, Jerri -- none of us could make it to the end. No one had a chance because we would go into the merge 6–4 and at that point Kucha would knock us off one by one. I saw it and I couldn't let it happen. It didn't have anything to do with Mitchell. I love Mitchell. I was wanting to vote for Amber, actually. And anyway, so you've only got 12 more days [sic] to win your office pool. Do you think it can be done? Can I continue this psycho path I'm on of destroying everybody in my path to get there? This sweet little old Tennessee mom. [Sinister] I don't know. She's coming across as this possessed woman. It could happen. [Cackles] Well, I hope you guys had a great Valentine's Day and I hope y'all have a good day today. Sorry I don't ever get to talk to you. I guess if you ever came to work I would. Okay, well, have a great day, Dan. Tell Mitchell hi, give him a big hug for me. Bye.... No, I take that back -- don't give him a hug for me. People might start to talk. Okay. Bye.

ON TAKING A JOKE A SMIDGEN TOO FAR
Dan! You're not working. You're off gallivanting around doing who knows what you do around there. I think I'd fire your butt if I worked there. Anyway, did you watch the show last night? Did you notice how they didn't show Michael falling into the fire? Guess why that is. [Mock serious] Because I pushed his ass in the fire. That's right. That was me behind the scenes. I had to find some way to go into this merger even and I did it. That was me. You don't mess with me. It's gettin' close. It's gettin' down to the wire. And I mean business. So you better be glad. You better start being really happy, mister, about drawing my name. I'm getting really p---ed about this. Don't make me come over there and find you.

ON THE UPS AND DOWNS OF LIFE
Hey, Dan. Looks like I gave ol' Nick his walking papers last night, didn't it? Well, are you getting worried -- getting a little nervous that I might send you your walking papers? Boy, I don't know. If you'd been in the outback with me I don't know if you would have lasted very long. Well, I just wonder how your thoughts might have changed from the first moment you drew my name and was filled with regret and gloom and how you might feel now. Isn't it amazing what just a few weeks can do for your attitude. [Sinister chuckles] Well, I hope you're doing well. [Yawns] Uh, I'm sleepy. I'm off to bed. I guess that's all. I hope you're enjoying the show. It was great last night, I think. Just a great, great show. Okay, see you, Dan. Bye, Entertainment Weekly -- I hope you guys are having fun. Bye.