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''I can't swear to that, but I promise I will always apologize after.''
ARI (JEREMY PIVEN) TO ASSISTANT LLOYD (REX LEE), AFTER LLOYD ASKS HIM TO NEVER AGAIN MOCK HIS ETHNICITY OR SEXUAL ORIENTATION, ON ENTOURAGE
''That's kind of crazy. What's a normal class get you, like, 22 or something?''
TOMMY LEE, AFTER HE WAS TOLD THAT STUDENTS GET ONLY ONE CREDIT FOR BEING IN THE MARCHING BAND, ON TOMMY LEE GOES TO COLLEGE
''You said BM.''
BUTT-HEAD, RESPONDING TO BEAVIS' REMARK THAT THEY MIGHT ''BE EMMY WINNERS,'' ON THE MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS
''Dennis, our bar is in South Philly. In a scary alley. It might as well be called 'Rape Bar'.''
DEE (KAITLIN OLSON) TO HER BROTHER, DENNIS (GLENN HOWERTON), EXPLAINING WHY NO WOMEN FREQUENT THEIR BAR, ON IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
''The main problem down in Florida is, even though there was a disaster, the people are too scared to go to the hospital because Suge Knight is in there.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
''Jerry Seinfeld just named his baby 'Shepherd' which is Hebrew for 'Please give me a wedgie.'''
BEST WEEK EVER'S CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN, ON TODAY
''To me puking tonight.''
THE LOVELORN MELINDA, MAKING A TOAST BEFORE DOWNING THE FIRST OF MANY TEQUILA SHOTS, ON THE REAL WORLD
''I need Jenny Craig!''
PLUS-SIZE HIP-HOPPER ALLEN DURING A TOUGH REHEARSAL, ON SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE
