By Whitney Pastorek
October 18, 2006 at 11:28 PM EDT

Trailers, we got trailers, we got stacks and stacks of trailers… and today, they are all really, really creepy!

Pan’s Labyrinth (Dec. 29) “In a dark time. When hope was bleak. There lived a young girl (pictured). Whose only escape. Was in a legend. That wanted her back. Also, she saved a bundle on her car insurance from Geico.” (Translation: New Guillermo del Toro movie look cool. Why trailer so lame? Please to make stop cliched voiceover man. Thank you.)

Norbit (early 2007) Hold on, lemme consult the Magic 8 Ball to see if I have any desire to see this movie… (shakeshakeshake)… hmm… (shakeshakeshake)… nope. The trailer has one or two moments that make me snicker, but that’s just because morbid obesity = freakin’ hilarious! (Sigh.) What do you kids think? On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being Haunted Mansion and 10 being The Nutty Professor, where on the Eddie Murphy Career-Failure-o-Meter will this one land? (Land, being, of course, a metaphorical term, as we can all see quite clearly from the trailer that, were this film to actually land on an actual meter, it would crush said meter like a small blond child in a paddling pool.) And, I’m sorry, is it possible that Thandie Newton really had no better way to spend her time??

Perfume (Dec. 27) The first time I saw a trailer for Run Lola Run director Tom Tykwer’s upcoming movie, it was this exquisitely creepy German version(I was writing it up for EW’s Fall Movie Preview, and the American one wasn’tout yet). The American one is slightly less horrifying, although stillquite effective, what with the corpse and the cheesecloth and thecollapsing building and anything having to do with Alan Rickman. And ofcourse I am very much looking forward to the sequel: Polish: The Story of a Manicurist, in which this entire cast gets a good scrubbing under those nails. That’s totally narnia.*

*narnia = my friend Lisa’s word for “gnarly,” meaning “disgusting,””wrong,” which I will be attempting to “make happen” for the next fewweeks.