Adam Carlson
May 20, 2013 AT 06:00 AM EDT

It all comes down to this: In the season finale of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice, two men enter, flanked by teams of other, lesser wo/men and a lot of cardboard, but only one man leaves. That man’s name is Donald Trump. The other two men are less important. What are their names? One of them is an atheist; the other thinks Jesus can beat up magicians. I kid! Welcome to the beginning of the end of the beginning of this finale (aka, the middle). Recapper extraordinaire Dalton Ross is off on assignment and has entrusted me to help guide us through a two-hour debate about who is the better businessman, really: a Las Vegas magician or a Nashville country singer? VegasNashville? Pick a side. We’re at war.

The funny thing is that tonight’s finale was bizarro, as we all prayed, while reconfirming our darkest suspicions: Both Trace Adkins and Penn Jillette are, like, good at business — insofar as they are always able to make money at challenges that require a lot of detail-oriented planning in very little time with a lot of cameras around. But Trace and Penn have held up under the pressure. Tonight, a continuation of last week’s Final Challenge (design an ice cream flavor; shoot an ad for it; organize and host a social to launch it), they remained both deeply, deeply ridiculous figures without losing an ounce of integrity. Miracles, indeed. (Hey, Jesus!)

Were you surprised at how many friends Penn and Trace have? I was. I guess I should call them “friends” — in order to top the other/raise the most money during their socials/launch events, both men rolled through their Rolodexes. Wayne Newton, after some faffing about last week, turned up in full glow; as did Gilbert Gottfried, Taylor Hicks, and Dee Snyder. Meanwhile, Trace called in the Oakridge Boys (by-proxy), Tony Stewart, country duo Thompson Square, and Tim Tebow. Those italics probably aren’t getting the point across: TIM TEBOW showed up after Trace really thought that he was going to and then really thought that he wasn’t, leading Marilu to do everything by doing nothing. She kept whining at Trace! Traaaaace.

Who else? Big Pussy from The Sopranos and also Joan Rivers, Penn’s Teller, and a lot of camera crews…or maybe just one camera crew shot from a bunch of different angles. How many anchorwo/men had to interview Trace and Penn on the “carpet” before the event? “Hi, hello, what charity are you supporting? What does the Donald smell like? Misery? Is that the name of your ice cream flavor?”

That and still six other magical moments from the finale.

NEXT: Show us the money

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