What? You’re back? Seriously? You actually not only watched another episode of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice but now want to read about it as well? Don’t get me wrong: There is literally nothing I would rather do in my entire life than watch and write about Marilu Henner screaming “WHAT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY?!?” at the top of her lungs at poor unsuspecting theme park customers. (Speaking of which, wouldn’t most women prefer not to give out their birth date to complete strangers at theme parks? How is that an enjoyable interactive activity in any way? “Hey, everyone, guess how old this broad is?!?” Also, if someone told me I was born on a Tuesday, I’d be like “Uh…I guess?” Do people really know — or care — what day of the week they were born? Is that a thing?) Anyway, as I was saying, I live for this stuff, yet I’m always a bit surprised to find other people want to take this absurd journey with me. Delighted! But surprised. So welcome! And thank you for being awesome and having awesome taste in things with awful taste.
The thing I loved most about this fun-filled insanity-laced episode of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice is that…HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa. Whoops. Sorry about that. As I was saying, three French fries are always better than one French fry, so therefore…HeHeHeHeHeHeHeHe. DAMMIT BUSEY, STOP TICKLING ME! That is not professional and it most certainly is not “Finally Understanding Nothing,” which is to say, fun. Keep your hands to yourself! Go see if Marilu Henner can guess what day of the week you were born on, because it’s time for me to get through the eight most memorable things about this latest episode.
1. Air Trump
I must say, I watched this footage of the celebs heading down to Universal Studios Orlando with mixed emotions. Because believe it or not, I was actually supposed to be on Trump’s pimped out 757 with the contestants. That is, until they called me and rescinded the invite, saying they had actually “miscounted the seats” and didn’t have room for me. (What, freakin’ Claudia Jordan gets a seat and I don’t?)
But forget about Trump’s plane. I want to ride on Dennis Rodman’s plane! “If I had a jet like that,” said Rodman, “There’d be like eight, nine, ten girls in that thing moving and having a good time, man. Dancing, doing this, doing that.” And Rodman would no doubt be passed out in a corner blurting out questions about celebrity involvement on marketing campaigns in his sleep.
So on the plus side, I could’ve gotten high (in altitude, at least) with Rodman had I been allowed on board, but on the minus side, I would have also had to endure the star of Bio-Dome mistaking himself for a 1990s rapper by saying things like “Trump ain’t playin’! Trump don’t play!” (Don’t play what? Also, is it just me, or did that quick shot later of Baldwin skateboarding with a backwards baseball cap on make him a dead ringer for Poochie the Dog?)
On the plane, the teams were informed they had to create a 3D photo experience, with the winners getting $20,000, or less than 3 percent of what Trace Adkins was about to hand over to some guy at the Red Cross. If you ask me, Lil Jon deserved $20,000 for his Donald Trump hand impersonation alone. Is Trump a Benihana chef or something? Is he reenacting his favorite scenes from the old Sammo Hung CBS drama Martial Law? Why is he always making that chopping motion with both of his hands as he talks? I will never not be distracted by that ever again.
NEXT: These execs are way too normal