A lot of people have complained over the years about Celebrity Apprentice being two hours long. And I agree completely. It is a total joke that this show is two hours every week when we know it clearly should be…THREE! Hell, make it four! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I would watch a round-the-clock C-SPAN type network showing me nothing but Celebrity Apprentice contestants doing whatever it is Celebrity Apprentice contestants do. (We can call it CA-SPAN.) Give me live internet feeds! Give me Showtime’s Celebrity Apprentice After Dark! Give me Celebrity Apprentice Pad, where people just hang out in bathing suits and wax every single piece of hair off their entire body! I want it all!
So obviously you can guess how I feel about this Easter Sunday episode of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice being only one hour. I’m as surly as Trace Adkins! (By the way, is Trace Adkins ever not surly?) Half a show means only half the absurdity to dish and delight on. But guess what? Posing as Adrian the Elevator Operator, I snuck into Donald Trump’s private vault and stole all the footage that did not make it into this episode as a result of an hour of the show being cut, and I can now exclusively share what happened in all the scenes we didn’t get to see. Here it is!
* After harassing poor guest adviser Arsenio Hall about what day of the week he was born on, previous winning Project Manager Marilu Henner shockingly then forgets what charity she is playing for and is therefore unable to deliver the big check to her designated charity. She instead pledges the funds to a Kickstarter campaign to get Cannonball Run 3 off the ground. Working Title? Cannonball Run 3: Balls Out!
* Gary Busey mistakes “Art Gas” for “Fart Gas” and starts sniffing each of his teammate’s pieces of art. He spends extra time suspiciously examining the works of one Lisa Rinna.
* Under the false impression that beauty pageant contestants are now part of every Celebrity Apprentice task, a drunken Farouk Shami shows up at Team Power’s art show yelling “WHERE MY BITCHES AT?!” He then removes his red leather cowboy boots, splashes a bit of BioSilk of them and screams “THERE’S YOUR FREAKIN’ ART!” before leading all the gallery patrons in a rousing rendition of “God Bless America.”
* After bringing a fired Omarosa down to the ground floor for her car ride to nowhere, Adrian the elevator operator returns to the Boardroom waiting area, musters all of his courage, boldly walks over to Amanda the receptionist, grabs one of the six pairs of golden scissors on her desk, and stabs himself in the chest while sobbing “I may as well cut out my heart and hand it to you, because that would be less painful that having to gaze at you constantly across these six feet of carpet keeping us apart. Before I die I just want you to know…” Adrian’s last words are then interrupted by Eric Trump clearing his throat in the elevator behind him as he waits for a ride to street level. Always the professional, Adrian covers the wound with his Trump Tower jacket, stumbles back to his post, presses the ground floor button and dies in transit somewhere around floor number 8. Trump steps over his dead body and into a waiting car outside.
So, that’s what you missed. Now let’s get into what we actually were priviliged enough to see with the most amazing moments of this week’s All-Star Celebrity Apprentice.
NEXT: 20 bucks if you can make Trace Adkins smile