Annie Barrett
February 27, 2014 AT 06:27 AM EST

“Remember. When they took. Their first step?” The Top 13 chosen toddlers trotted out onstage for “This Is Me” night, then disappeared into the pit of high-five-wanters like the starting lineup on a team of complete strangers. “ONE of them will be showered in confetti,” promised Ryan Seacrest. I can’t help but think that at this point at least one of the Top 13 was like, “And ALL of us were just showered in all those people’s germs”! But such is the way of life in the Dawghaus. Touch the haaaaaands, Ryan. They’re all in it to win it! 

It is now easier than ever to vote, so, as Ben Briley says, “Now there’s absolutely no excuse for not voting”…unless, say, you do not happen to be searching “American Idol” or “Idol” on Google. Those people have decent excuses, I guess. But what kind of LOSERS are they? No one I want to know, that’s for sure! All the greats are Googling the name of a TV show they just watched right now — and, new this year, they have until 10 a.m. the following day to do it.

Let the beautiful disaster/messes begin!

Dexter Roberts, Chris Young’s “Aw Naw”: Wait, there’s a disembodied, barely audible “announcer voice” in the background as Dex takes the stage….OH MY GOD, AGGGHHH, IT’S RANDY JACKSON saying the same thing (nothing) over and over for all the contestants! Lord help us all. Dexter wore Dawg tags around his neck for the occasion during this nuttin’-special-’bout-it country cover. Harry Connick Jr. questioned the use of in-ear monitors — perhaps Dexter’s was to blame for him singing out of tune? Blah, blah, blah. That’s not the rest of the judges’ comments; it’s my quick summation of the performance.


Dexter’s mom’s hair. YES.

Malaya Watson, Bruno Mars’ “Runaway Baby”: Malaya is afraid of dogs, but “LOVES EVERYBODY!” So there you have it, solid proof once and for all: Dogs are not people. Okay, this vocal performance from Malaya was just awful, even if she’s the frontrunner for the role of Spokeswoman for Energy. Was she not considering vocal range at all? This song is mostly just the same note or two over and over. So it’s actually somewhat impressive that Malaya managed to turn it into such a steaming hot mess. She’s so endearing, but there’s gotta be a reason beyond that for her to stick around. We know she can sing. She should do that next time. Maybe don’t play the tuba. (Though Idol should strongly consider having a tuba-playing Malaya lead a marching band to celebrate the eventual winner.)

Kristen O’Connor (pictured above), Kelly Clarkson’s “Beautiful Disaster”: See song title. End of discussion. What a lovely splatter-paint dress and wobbly-thin figure on this Rachel Bilson lookalike! Seriously, she’s gorgeous. Okay, her beauty took about 1.5 seconds to digest and now I’m bored. Kristen removed her earpiece halfway through the song; Harry didn’t know why (shouldn’t he be happy about it, though? He just suggested Dexter not use one…). Kristen always looks terrified onstage. I’d love to hear her sing in front of the mirror instead. But that! Is not American Idol.

Freaking amazing advice from Jennifer Lopez: “You’ve gotta think about what you know rather than what you’re afraid might happen.” ***J. Lo is my new life coach.***

Speaking of beautiful disasters….

Not even the “Cool” filter on Twitpic can save this one, Ryan!

NEXT PAGE: Sooo how can we vote for C.J.’s cousin?

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