Last night’s “Hollywood Week: Round 1” episode was mostly short snippets of song, long shots of the judges twitching, and plenty of Seacresty voiceover letting us know which of the “309 of the nation’s elite” (narcissists) had been cut. It was like a palate cleanser between the stale audition rounds and the bloody filet of tonight’s reliably insane Group Round. And nothing says “cleanse my palate” like “let me watch a little girl fall off the stage and hit her head.”
But Fox didn’t! They teased 16-year-old Symone Black’s dramatic stage-to-floor story arc throughout the episode, only to brutally cut off an elite nation’s DVR recordings so that new series Mobbed could start a few seconds early.
Was this the sleaziest reality TV cliffhanger ever? We’re used to seeing quarantine show contestants threaten to “leave the house,” or cooking show contestants slice their hands open. But a possible head wound on a singing competition? Gross. Just tell us that she’s fine. Seriously, that’s sick.
Anyway, it seemed like Symone started having a panic attack as soon as the judges asked about her song choice (which was odd, actually…WAIT A MINUTE, why were they talking to her after her song when they only talked to other people beforehand?), and she stammered that she had chosen Otis Redding’s “Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay” to appeal to older viewers.
Back the truck up, girl! (Seriously take a few steps backward because you’re about to fall off the stage.) Randy Jackson is barely a teenager in Dawg years. J. Lo is the most beautiful woman in the universe and beyond! The young and gorgeous judges laughed off Symone’s reasoning, but it was too late. She’d wobbled forward and tumbled out of the spotlight – the worst place in the world, especially since the first thing she’d see (IF SHE EVER OPENED HER EYES AGAIN) was a closeup of Nigel Lythgoe yelling, “Cue medic!”
Enough about that possible casualty, though – let’s run down what else happened last night. A blue-eyed derelict defiantly ignored a flight attendant. A chatty valley girl channeled Saved by the Bell’s Jessie Spano in a caffeine pill haze by informing us “I’m so excited….I’m really scared.” (“I need them, Zack, I have to sing!”) A Leelee Sobieski lookalike got cut. Her name was Heather. She probably lived.
NEXT: The delightful Heejun Han figures out how to overcome the beauty