Ray Mickshaw/American Idol/Getty Images(2)
Michael Slezak
May 06, 2009 AT 04:00 PM EDT

If you tuned in for tonight’s episode of American Idol and worried for a second that Fox was running a Cops marathon, who could blame you? In the course of a single hour — and, naturally, a few additional minutes designed to boost ratings for Fringe and drive DVR users/fans of The Mentalist to the brink of despair — I counted so many heinous crimes that Idol‘s newest judge would need to remove her shoes to keep count.

Shall we tally? Danny Gokey garroted a defenseless Aerosmith tune till its tongue lolled purple and bloated from its mouth. Kris Allen was casually hurled under the bus by a band of vicious imbeciles. Simon Cowell repeatedly vandalized his own reputation and hacked away at the last remaining threads of credibility that Idol possesses. Kara DioGuardi committed a lewd act, not to mention multiple counts of first-degree stupidity. And with their flawless, episode-ending duet, Allison Iraheta and Adam Lambert stole the show.

Really, the only thing missing were blaring sirens, flashing red lights, and a cameo appearance by David Caruso, removing his shades at the end of Danny’s solo performance and intoning, ”Somebody’d better request ‘American Pie’ on the jukebox, because today, the music died.”

Oh fellow Idoloonies, all I can say is it’s fortuitous that I chose Wednesday night’s results show for my first annual Idol live-blog — look for it at PopWatch.EW.com starting at 9 p.m. EDT — because I just don’t know if I can face the jury verdict all by myself. (You won’t make me do that, will you?)

If justice prevails, of course, Danny will be the lowest vote-getter, exit Idol‘s eighth season in fourth place, and eventually swing by EW.com headquarters for the most awkward Idolatry interview ever. (Hey, Danny fans. It might not be so bad! Your guy could end up schooling me as thoroughly and charmingly as the hilarious Matt Giraud!) But I’m not getting my hopes up that I’ll be talking to Danny in less than a week, certainly not after the four dimwits behind the judges’ table excused his abysmal performance by teaming up for an ”A for Effort!” cheerleading routine. Worse still, they followed it up by trying to convince America that Kris Allen’s understated spin on ”Come Together” — the most original vocal performance of the night, although perhaps not the most powerful — didn’t earn him a hometown-visit package and the likelihood of having Clive Davis force him to sing ”Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” for final-three performance night.

We pause this TV Watch (and all its deeply felt rage) for a soothing, results-night fantasy, which is already in progress with Ryan Seacrest speaking into the microphone…”And now we come to…Kara DioGuardi. [Crickets from the audience.] Kara, last night the judges said you made sexually suggestive noises and practiced your ‘O’ face as an entire nation looked on in abject horror. You mistook Nine Inch Nails for a decade, not a band. And you proved your knowledge of rock music dates back only as far as 1993. Kara, take a seat…on the Silver Stools of Doom…you are in the bottom three.

NEXT: The scream

( 1 of 6 )

You May Like