Get out your freshly sharpened No. 2s; it’s time for the American Idol: Hollywood Week Quiz!
Question 1: It’s episode two of Hell Week, focusing on group performances by 100 or so of the nation’s finest undiscovered singers. Would you rather: (A) Listen to the vocal stylings of Megan Corkrey, Michael Castro, and a dozen or so other contestants who haven’t made a peep since their memorable auditions? (B) Turn the first half of the one-hour telecast into a music-free experience that instead focuses on hysterical meltdowns by folks who appear to be suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Question 2: You are surprised to see a charming, talented contestant (such as Deanna Brown, David Osmond, or Jessica Furney) get the boot. As an emotionally invested Idol fan, your viewing experience would be enhanced by: (A) The chance to see a clip of said singer’s audition, so you’d understand why he or she didn’t advance. (B) No explanation whatsoever, only a quick cut to your favorite looking crushed, preferably fighting back tears.
Question 3: Which scenario would make for better television? (A) Anoop Desai belting his heart out. (B) A whiny trollop hiding under a comforter.
Question 4: Given the dearth of screen time for someone as seemingly terrific as Leneshe Young, what are your feelings about the way Fox aggressively replays old audition clips and teases ”coming up” footage before commercial breaks? (A) It sends me into a white-hot rage. (B) It’s essential; my short-term memory is as limited as Randy’s vocabulary.
Question 5: Do you think it’s mere coincidence that the producers always seem to pair audio of Ryan saying words like ”triumphant” and ”brilliant” and ”best” with video of particular contestants (i.e. Lil Rounds and Adam Lambert)? (A) Heck no! There’s no such thing as coincidence on Idol! (B) Of course it’s coincidence — and quit implying the producers have an agenda!
Question 6: Which do you prefer? (A) Singing. (B) Sobbing.
Okay, people. Put those pencils down. We could go over the answer key together, but you already know where this is going. If you answered ”A” to the above questions, you’re just like me, upset and anxious that Idol’s Hindenburg-like trajectory over the last four weeks doesn’t just signal a less-than-stellar season 8, but possibly the beginning of the end of the show’s run as a pop-culture phenomenon. And if you marked ”B” six consecutive times, then an enthusiastic hello to Cecile Frot-Coutaz!
Seriously, though, if Idol’s awesomely named producer is, in fact, reading this column, I’d like share with her four pieces of unsolicited advice that can help restore Idol’s buzz-worthy status.
NEXT: Explain yourselves