A few important facts learned on American Idol’s Top 20 results show tonight: God is not a huge fan of chronic over-singing. A toned back end won’t get you as far as six-pack abs. America is definitely not ready for a Creed comeback. And bird feathers are on sale in bulk down at the Idol commissary. (Get ‘em now, while supplies last!)
And that pretty much sums up the sleepy, one-hour telecast, seeing how there wasn’t much in the way of drama or surprise in the four eliminations and two musical numbers on the docket.
The evening’s most satisfying moment arrived with the elimination of Jermaine Sellers, who Ryan Seacrest diplomatically described as ”one of our more vocal contestants — even when not singing.” After spouting some nonsense on Tuesday how his ”homeboy” Jesus would magically usher him in to the Top 16 — despite a vocally abhorrent cover of ”What’s Going On” — Jermaine seemed to get struck by a thunderbolt when Ryan Seacrest called him down to center stage along with early front-runner Andrew Garcia, then declared that one of ‘em was heading home.
Ellen DeGeneres chose not to ”make the MTV call” when Ryan asked her which contestant’s neck should get kissed by the guillotine’s blade — instead choosing to riff obtusely on Simon’s British pronunciation of the word ”frustrated” (frust-TRAY-ted) — but it was clear that the fop in the pink and gray patterned shirt and white bow-tie was doomed.
[Bonus question: Was Jermaine wearing quarter-gloves or modified sweatbands on his lower hands/upper wrists? Or were they merely discarded remnants of Michelle Delamor’s Tuesday-night muffs? Who cares? The hideous accoutrements should’ve resulted in an automatic DQ the second Jermaine took the Idol stage!]
I’ve got to admit that while Jermaine’s exit performance once again showed total disdain for Marvin Gaye’s classic melody, the guy sounded 30 percent less ridiculous/shrill than he did on Tuesday. That is, except for the part where he tried to wax poetic about his ouster, erroneously declaring that ”where I sing from, you can’t be taught how to riff and run and sing high notes” and finally musing that ”in God, there’s no failure.” Um, dude, America would rather risk an echo of Tim Urban’s ”Apologize” than give you another moment in front of 25 million viewers. If that’s not failure, then I’m not a squealing fanboy of Allison Iraheta.
Still, I think my Twitter follower ”Megakath” summed it up best: ”That elimination was brought to you by Jermaine Purifory…justice!” Yes, Ken Warwick, I’ll go to my grave believing the whole Sellers-over-Purifory fiasco was an unfortunate filing mixup that you were just too embarrassed to admit. Do us a solid and cast the dashing ”Brick House” vocalist for season 10, okay?
NEXT: Michelle goes home… without her Kara praise