Big surprise on last night’s American Idol: ALL of the Top 11 will go on the summer tour, and two singers will be eliminated next week. The judges used their only save of the season on Casey Abrams, who sang “I Don’t Need No Doctor” FOR HIS LIFE for just a few seconds until Randy stopped him mid-tune with a breezy wave. “Stop the music!” he cried, for Casey’s destiny had been predetermined. “This is crazy wrong,” said Steven Tyler. “We’ve made the decision here to keep you on.”
Casey really did need a doctor, it turned out! (At least one on hand, waiting in the wings, maybe taking Marc Anthony’s blood pressure or something.) Casey looked like he was about to faint dozens of times, with his shaky hands and crazy eyes. “Are you kidding?” he demanded of the three Fates behind the table. “It’s Top 11 — why would you do this to me? I can’t believe it!” He stumbled back up on stage, nearly taking down Seacrest in the process. Ryan was in no way prepared to handle Casey’s bulk, but Casey barreled in for the score anyway — it just seemed like the most comforting place to go. “Agggggggggggh!” he cried. A few seconds later he wised up and ran over to crush his parents instead. “I love you so much,” we kept hearing. Parents! How great are they?
Were you guys crying here? I usually cry at these types of things, but this one seemed so contrived — not on Casey’s part, but by the judges and producers. I think I was just off my “emotional connection to the TV” game because I was still in shock that Steven had spoken during a results show. ANYWAY, we’ve been led to believe that Stefano Langone and Thia Megia joined Casey in the bottom three. None of these people had ever wedged their bottoms into the stools of doom before. Naima and Haley barely knew what to do with themselves on the popularity sofa. The whole world had turned upside down!
Esteemed Colleague Email of the Night (received at 8:57 p.m. ET)
“GUAM LOVES THIA,” said a sign in the audience.
For real, what a crazy results show in general last night. It’s like the producers suddenly realized these things are always BORING and just decided to fling everything in their arsenal at the wall/lens and not even care if it worked. (It definitely worked for me.) First we had a dreadful group number to “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough,” and just when you were thinking that maybe you weren’t high enough to sit through an entire results show, out rolled Stevie Wonder on a motorized piano platform! What?! Awesome!
Steven started freaking out, nuzzling into J. Lo’s glittery armpit with glee. Then a few seconds later, we realize it’s Steven’s birthday. Of course it is! Why wouldn’t this be Steven’s birthday? I’m frankly surprised he doesn’t celebrate unbirthdays as well. All of a sudden, Naima had brandished an insane hypercolor poster of Steven’s face, and Pia and Lauren had a cake. Well done, ladies. Steven made a speech: “I’m speechless!” It was a beautiful speech. Just beautiful, up there. Beautiful.
NEXT: Is anyone surprised that Paul ate all the brownies?