Last night’s results show spanned an exhausting two hours, but luckily Ryan Seacrest was able to keep the telecast as fresh as the yellow rose on Randy Jackson’s sweater by trying out various intonations of his favorite term (“the nationwide vote”) and one of life’s eternal questions, “WHO WILL FILL THESE STOOLS?” It’s Ryan’s time to shine, so don’t even think about trying to plow him over, Brielldozer Von Huge Mistake!
Speaking of freshness, Jimmy Iovine showed up. They’d found him living in the boiler room under Joe Pesci’s School of Speech (the Harvard of the West; sorry, Stansbury) and he was more than happy to come sit in a little room off to the side and drop little truth pellets all over the Top 24. I’ve missed him and the way my stupid Text Edit program auto-corrects his name to “iodine.”
Jimmy gave more frank and succinct criticism of the kiddies over a few minutes of edited commentary than the judges have doled out all season. On DeAndre: “What he needs is a coach.” On Reed Grimm: “Way too kitschy for me, way too cabaret. Not gonna make it on this show like that.” Eben Franckewitz: “Not ready for primetime.” Baylie Brown: “Beautiful tune, nice tone, but she lost the plot.” And my favorite, Jimmy on Adam Brock: “Supposedly he has a large black woman trapped in his body. As of right now, he’s not pulling them both off.” Someone had to say it.
Jimmy only lost me a little when he compared Aaron Marcellus to a cheesy Don Cheadle and called Heejun Han’s intentions into question. Just because the kid has a sense of humor doesn’t mean he thinks the show is named American Comedian. Everyone knows it’s named American Adele. Heejun wouldn’t be in the Top 13 if he couldn’t actually get through to people while the music’s on.
So here they are — your Top 13!
America’s Top 10: Phillip Phillips, Jessica Sanchez, Hollie Cavanagh, Joshua Ledet, Heejun Han, Shannon Magrane, Skylar Laine, Elise Testone, Colton Dixon, Jermaine Jones
Wild cards: Erika Van Pelt (Randy’s choice), Jeremy Rosado (J. Lo’s hugmonster), and DeAndre Brackensick (Steven Tyler’s 17-year-old spirit animal)
NEXT: Sing for your lives, suckahs!