Leave it to Team Bachelor in Paradise to teach us a valuable life lesson: It really is about the “journey,” not the destination. How do I know this? Because after three weeks, something became very clear to me—this show has no freaking point! Can anyone actually “win” Bachelor in Paradise? And if they do, what’s the “prize”—entering the Guinness Book of World Records for “Recipient of Longest Paid Vacation in Network TV History”? And that, dear rose lovers, is the point: Life is a meaningless charade, and then the cameras stop filming you you die.
On that note, let’s check in on our Bippers. The action picks up immediately after last week’s awkwitragic rose ceremony, and some of the guys—namely Graham—are not pleased about Elise’s “grandstanding” after Dylan rejected her rose. But Elise has now happily transferred her obsessive affections to Chris. “I want Chris to be my rainbow,” she explains.
Michelle M. & Marquel
Elise & Chris B.
Grant & AshLee
Lacy & Marcus
Clare & Zach
And our new arrival…
Danielle from Juan Pablo’s season is here, and she’s got a date card. Feeling threatened, Michelle overcompensates by encouraging Danielle to help herself to any of the guys in the Tiki Hut. (“I made it very clear that I think she should give it to anyone she wants,” says Michelle. “Just do not give it to Marquel.”) Even though the date isn’t until the next morning, for the sake of maximum awkwardness Team BiP has instructed Danielle to choose her man tonight… and then announce that choice… in front of everyone. So… enjoy your time away from Michelle’s spider-web headband, Marquel!
(Indeed, that headband may have compressed Michelle’s cranium a bit too much because now, all of a sudden, her version of reality has shifted: “I’m over Marquel, and I’m so into Robert!” All rightie then.)
Over in the open-air dining area, AshLee is complaining that Elise received the second date card—while she and Graham still haven’t received one. “AshLee’s being really selfish in regards to dates,” sniffs Lacy. “I don’t understand why she can’t just sit back and enjoy her time in the house with Graham.” Oh, I don’t know… maybe because everyone on this show is incapable of happiness?
Meanwhile, Marquel and Danielle (oh, that’s an unfortunately cutesy name pairing, isn’t it?) are enjoying their stroll through Hacienda Uayamon… until God unleashes his wrath and hurls a bolt of electric anger at the ground mere feet from where Marquel and Danielle are standing. (By the way, did everyone notice how Marquel almost dove to the ground in fear when the lightning struck and didn’t even pretend to throw an arm around Danielle for protection? Way to own your manhood, sir.)
The Lord clearly has a lot of thoughts about the goings-on in this episode; not only does he nearly fry Marquel and Danielle with lightning, he also tries to prohibit Chris B. from taking Elise on an overnight date by popping the former’s meniscus and rendering him unable to walk. But nothing will stand between Chris “Hepatitis” B. and Elise’s “super hot” “bangin’ body, so he vows to “fight through the pain” and go. And man, climbing up those steep private jet steps does look awfully painful. “It’s great, it’s awesome, let’s go—my knee hurts,” groans Chris in his confessional, before apologizing to the producer: “Sorry, man. I’m struggling a little bit.” Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy, dude.
NEXT: “I’ve always felt like an outcast”