Samantha Highfill
August 17, 2015 AT 02:08 AM EDT

Hey guys, sorry I wasn’t around on Monday, but much like Clare, I just needed a second to myself to really think about what I’m doing with my life. I mean, am I too old to be writing Bachelor in Paradise recaps? Can I really see myself finding happiness here?!

Thankfully, I didn’t need Chris Harrison to talk me off the ledge. In fact, all I really needed was seeing Jorge—the bartender/savior of the show. Now that is a man I’ll support each week.

But enough about me, let’s get back to Clare, who never ever gives up on anything … but might give up on this. (I love how she’s talking about this like she’d be giving up on something important and not, I don’t know, reality television.) But Harrison—ever the white knight—convinces her to return to the rose ceremony with one sentence. This is why they pay him the big bucks: “You’ve been here a week.” Fair enough. With that, Clare is back in the running. (And the raccoon could not be more thankful.)

Here’s how things shake out:

Ashley I.—who could not be happier after kissing Jared and watching Clare’s breakdown—gives her rose to Jared.

Clare gives her rose to JJ. (Sorry, Mikey.)

Juelia gives her rose to Joe, who declares Samantha his “dream girl,” a label that shouldn’t be allowed until you’ve actually physically met someone.

So that means it’s the end of the road for Michael—which is why you never call a girl “Eleven-ly”—Jonathan and his vest, and Mikey.

But the real bad news is that Juelia can’t stop talking about how Joe is here for her and how he’s so very genuine. Meanwhile, Joe still thinks Mikey is his bitch as he preaches “rose before bros.” Then he proves once and for all that he’s never thrown deuces in his life when he throws up a peace sign.

The next day, Juelia wakes up with her spirits as perky as her boobs, which Ashley I. thinks look great. But that won’t last long, because Samantha just walked down the stairs to the words everyone wants to hear from Chris Harrison: “I don’t know if anyone knows who you are.” Don’t tell Joe that.

For those of you who don’t remember, Samantha was that pretty woman from Chris’ season. And this time, she’s going to make sure people remember her. (But you don’t want to know how.) Looking for a “good guy,” Samantha enters paradise and immediately asks Joe on her date. So by good guy, she meant what?

Joe, who just for the record still sits way too close to other people’s faces, accepts the invitation, and the rumor mill begins. Joe tells Jared that he didn’t know Sam before the show, but Joe told Tanner otherwise. Regardless, Joe decides not to talk to Juelia before he leaves for his date. But the real takeaway is this: Joe’s idea of dressing up for a date involves putting on a bright and shiny white V-neck. So…

NEXT: People Magazine plays “How many ways can we cover up Joe’s dad bod?”

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