Everyone, say aloha to Mexico, because we’re back in paradise, where Sam and Joe have somehow surpassed Ashley I. to become the least appealing people on this show. Also, men suck, and Juelia and Ashley S. have found real friendship. Need I say more?
Okay fine, I will. We pick up with Juelia attempting to warn Sam about Joe, the guy who will tell you that he feels “so much feelings for you” before changing his mind. (And if he really does say that, every woman should walk away now.)
But when Samantha wants to bring Joe into the conversation—and traumatize Juelia further?!—it’s evident that Sam is not on #TeamHoesOverJoes. In fact, Sam doesn’t have time for drama, so she’d rather just enjoy her stay on cloud nine and end this conversation so that she can go sit on Joe’s lap.
As Clare puts it, “With friends like that, you don’t need enemies.” I think that’s the first time I’ve quoted someone on this show in a positive way. Well played, Clare. You should talk to humans/cameras (as opposed to raccoons) more often.
Elsewhere, Jared and Tanner can’t believe that Joe has gone from being the “fun saint” on their season to being public enemy number one. (Fun saint, though? Who chose those descriptors? Tony?) According to Tanner, he’s seen a screengrab of a message from Sam telling Joe to do whatever it takes to stick around paradise. As that Mary-Kate and Ashley movie taught us: It takes two.
But when Tanner and Jared try to talk to Joe, Sam all but shoves them out of the room. Thinking the cameras are gone, she tells Joe that she just gave an interview in which she said that she and Joe didn’t talk before the show and that it was purely social media and a few text messages. “There was no plotting with Joe,” she says in her interview, just as she plots with Joe behind a bunk bed.
But all her scheming comes crumbling down when she forgets classic rule number one of plotting: Always close the door. Sucks to suck, Sam. (Someone should probably also tell her that just because you’re in a pool doesn’t mean the cameras have stopped rolling. Please someone tell her.)
The next day, Ashley S. is still heartbroken over Dan just as Amber—another arrival from Chris’ season—shows up looking for Dan (and hopefully a bra).
Amber’s arrival is met with ridiculous excitement from Ashley S., who thinks Amber literally looks like a baby doll and is literally somebody who is the most pure-hearted person. So when Amber asks Dan on a date, Ashley S. has to face the fact the the girl that literally makes her smile is now making her cry.
“Literally” count: 3.
Thankfully, Dan is a little classier than some other people—cough, Joe, cough—and takes Amber aside and explains his situation with Ashley S. He then takes Ashley aside and listens to her yell at him for not talking to her all day—what time is it though? Like 11 a.m.?—before she decides she’s done with him. The verdict? He’s going on a date with Amber and Ashley S. is left to be everybody’s “fourth wheel.” Fourth?
And in yet another demonstration of why Ashley I. is awful with men, she physically runs away from Jared after telling him how hot he is. Has anyone informed her that this isn’t fourth grade?
NEXT: JJ vs. Joe