Well, I have good and bad news heading into our next-to-last week in paradise. The good news is that there are significantly fewer crabs in tonight’s episode. The bad news is that, in their place, there’s even more of Sam and Joe. And at this point, I think I’d prefer the former to haunt my dreams.
We pick up with Joe being a “heartbroken dumb—” about the fact that Sam accepted Justin’s date. But he isn’t a heartbroken dumb— for long—well, at least not the heartbroken part.
Talking to Joe, Sam pulls a complete 180 and decides that it wouldn’t be fair of her to go on a date with Justin if she’d just spend the entire time thinking about Joe. Suddenly, Joe is back on cloud nine with his equivalent of grinning ear to ear which, fun fact, means his mouth is in a perfectly—almost freakishly—straight line.
Sam then goes to deliver the news to Justin, who somehow refrains from yelling, “but you’re so f—king gorgeous” at her again. Instead, he heads to Amber to let her know that he’s semi-interested. And because Amber isn’t too happy with how slowly things are moving with Dan—read: let’s get naked already!—she says yes. This way, if Dan really does like her, this will make him jealous. You know, because that logic always worked in sixth grade.
With nine guys and eight girls at base camp, everyone is awaiting the arrival of the next guy when the Old Faithful of the Bachelor franchises shows up: Chris Bukowski, otherwise known as that guy from Emily’s season, Andi’s season, Bachelor Pad, and season 1 of Bachelor in Paradise. (Otherwise otherwise known as the saddest human being on the planet.)
Showing up in a pink collared shirt that he’s desperately trying to turn in to a deep V-neck—it’s not working—Chris is hoping that the fifth time is the charm for him. And you know what? It works almost instantly! In no time, Chris has found the love of his life: Vodka.
But before Chris and his new love take things to the next level, let’s catch up with Amber and Justin, the latter of whom wins the award for the fastest person to burn on the island. Seriously, how long has he been here and who stole his sunscreen?
However, Amber doesn’t seem to mind his sunburn or his horrific dance moves—which are arguably worse than his hair—when they stumble upon a salsa scene. Heck, Amber’s so into it she intentionally removes his shirt—and even hits a poor stranger with it—to show everyone just how red hot her date literally is.
By the end of the dance, his hand is on her ass, so it’s safe to say that Justin’s definitely not moving too slow for her.
Jump forward about 10 minutes and the couple is making out in the ocean, followed by Amber crying over the fact that she might’ve made a mistake leaving Dan behind. (In other news, is anyone invested in this love triangle?)
NEXT: Bukowski has some thoughts