Happy August, rose lovers! Has everyone had their shots? Excellent. Welcome to The Show that is Totally Bachelor Pad at the Beach But We’re Calling it Something Else for Reasons Unknown!
Okay, to be fair, it may be a little different—there will be no semi-naked paintball games or blindfolded spit-swapping contests—but there will be a spirit of healthy competition. While the contestants are ostensibly there to find their “soul mates,” they’ll have to battle for sexual supremacy against one another and a weekly supply of fresh meat, in the form of other Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects just like them. But just like the Pad—may it rest in peace—some poor soul goes home each week, back to a life of loneliness and, more importantly, obscurity.
Smiles, everyone, smiles! As the bachelors and bachelorettes arrive, Chris Harrison—decked out in a deep tan and his pastel beach best—is there to greet them with open arms. Let’s meet our playas:
Paradise objective: “I’m tired of going after the guy. I want a man to come to me.”
Best known for: Giving Juan Pablo the what-for at the finale.
Best known for: Setting the land-speed record for falling in love with Andi.
Paradise objective: “Fun,” “adventure,” “healing.”
Best known for: Talking about having one arm.
Paradise objective: Ogling Marcus; not apologizing for having one arm.
Best known for: Telling Andi to “Look to the black-and-white cookie.”
Paradise objective: Keeping his paid vacation going?
Best known for: Not getting a one-on-one date with Sean.
Paradise objective: “Bring on the guys!”
Age: 35 (which translates to about 107 in Bachelor/Bachelorette years)
Best known for: Discovering fire?
Paradise objective: Landing women the only way he knows how—by winning them in games of Rock-Paper-Scissors.
Best known for: Enjoying Hot Cheetos.
Paradise objective: We’ll let Clare answer that: “She’s just competition for me.”
Best known for: Getting his ass handed to him by dogged prosecutor Michael G. during an impressively awkward hot tub two-on-one date in Desiree’s season. Also, for his jackassy exit interview. (“Hi, Hollywood!”)
Paradise objective: Drinking; redemption. “I’m just hopeful for this to be a good experience and ending well, instead of bad like last time.”
Best known for: Lots of crying, rage during Jake’s season.
Paradise objective: Presumably, it’s to shed her reputation as “the crazy one.”
Best known for: I got nothing.
Paradise objective: Who knows.
Best known for: Admitting during Andi’s lie-detector test that he doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom.
Paradise objective: Shunning antiperspirant. Also, “I’m looking for someone a little bit different.”
Best known for: Seeking a husband on The Bachelor to fulfill her dying mother’s wish; finding Juan Pablo instead.
Paradise objective: Making it down the stairs in her platform sandals without breaking her neck.
Best known for: A very chilly goodbye with Sean after the Fantasy Suite dates.
Paradise objective: Gettin’ with Graham. “I just think Graham is such a cutie.”
Harrison gathers the gang in the open-air lounge for the official welcome—an effort that’s stalled by Michelle K.’s coy/lame attempt to pretend she’s not really single—and then lays down the rules: randomized date cards, “Bachelor-style dates,” mandatory coupling, rose ceremonies (the guys are up first). So pick your bunks and start pairing up, folks!
NEXT: “Good job, Bachelor in Paradise”