Greetings, Bachelor fans! Oh, how I’ve missed our time together! I’d like to thank my colleague Jennifer Armstrong for her dedicated and hilarious coverage of Ali and Roberto’s ”journey” on The Bachelorette. Rest assured, there will be nothing as romantic and heartfelt going on here, folks. I hope you’ve taken your prophylactic dose of Valtrex, rose lovers, because we’re about to enter the world of Bachelor Pad — a place that has definitely not been sanitized for your protection.
I’m amazed that it took Bachelor mastermind Mike Fleiss eight years to come up with the idea for this show. And this may just be the most honest series he’s ever done. There are no stakes, and while lip service is paid to the idea of a ”journey” toward ”true love,” these people are here for one reason and one reason only: Cold hard cash. Oh, and camera time. Wait, one more: to validate their rapidly diminishing self-worth the only way they know how — through negative attention. Okay, fine, so that’s three reasons.
Chris Harrison strolls out of the Bachelor Pad (previously known as Casa Bachelor/Bachelorette) in his weekend casual gear to welcome us to the ”exciting” series premiere, and of course to introduce the ”men” and ”women” who will be playing for $250K. If you’re like me, you forget pretty much everything about Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants as soon as they take the limo ride of shame back to Dyingalonesville, USA, so here’s a little cheat sheet:
Tenley (Bachelor, season 14) Danced the dance in her heart for Jake. Cheated on by her husband. Apparently stole her shirt from a waitress at her local Mexican restaurant.
Jesse B. (Bachelorette, season 6) Tattoos. That’s about it.
Natalie (Bachelor, season 13) Likes bears…and Jesse B.
Dave (Bachelorette, season 5) Watching a fellow contestant pretend to drink a shot sent him into a near hate-crime-level fury. Will heretofore be known as Captain Rage.
Gwen (Bachelor, season 2) From ye olden days of Aaron Burge’s season. Probably around 40 years old, which makes her the Australopithicus afarensis of reality TV.
Jessie (Bachelor, season 14) Last seen busting Justin (”Rated R”) from Canada on Ali’s season of Bachelorette.
Jonathan (Bachelorette, season 6) Weatherman. Cries easily. Tormented by ”category 6 a-hole” and fellow contestant Craig.
Nikki (Bachelor, season 13) Dumped by Jason on TV, and by Juan during a Bachelor/Bachelorette reunion trip.
Juan (Bachelorette, season 5) Shot-faking nemesis of Captain Rage, and Nikki’s relationship-faking ex-boyfriend.
Wes (Bachelorette, season 5) Aspiring singer, fameosexual, and ”huge, ginormous asshole” who snookered Jillian. Big in Chihuahua, Mexico.
Krisily (Bachelor, season 7) Made it to proposal day, but Charlie (a.k.a. World’s Drunkest Bachelor) chose Sarah instead. Self-proclaimed ”bitch.”
Elizabeth (Bachelor, season 14) Reality TV’s most inept tease. Let Jake ”make out” with her forehead. Now a bottle blonde and under the impression that she is dating…
Jesse K., a.k.a. ”Kovacs” (Bachelorette, season 5) Wine guy. Would like everyone to know he is not, repeat not, dating Elizabeth.
Kiptyn (Bachelorette, season 5) Jillian’s runner-up. Prominent ears. Admirable abs.
Ashley (Bachelor, season 14) Three words: Flight attendant costume.
Peyton (Bachelor, season 10) Dumped on an aircraft carrier by Dr. Andy Baldwin.
Michelle (Bachelor, season 14) In Natalie’s words, ”the crazy one from last season.”
Gia (Bachelorette, season 14) Swimsuit model with less self-esteem than a string bikini has fabric.
Craig (Bachelorette, season 6) Patrick Dempsey’s hair, Mel Gibson’s temper. Will heretofore be known as McAngry.
NEXT: Milton Bradley would be so proud