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Week two, season two, rose lovers, and all is right with the world — Brenchel is back together on Big Brother, the Red Sox are in first place (at press time, that is), and season two of Bachelor Pad is a completely ridiculous parody of itself. As the contestants file back into the McMansion after the rose ceremony, one of the “ladies” semi-jokes,”That was the most shocking exit in Bachelor Pad history!” While she’s probably talking about Rated R’s elimination tantrum, the unpopular wrestler’s memory is already fading, as focus turns to the one and only Jake. How long will it take Kasey to send him packing? Not long, according to Kasey. “I have control of this game,” gloats Vienna’s beau. “I’m going to crush him mentally, just beat down his spirits, just drive him crazy.”
If crazy is Kasey’s goal, he’s probably a bit too late, but let’s not quibble. It’s a new day, and Harrison is waiting in the driveway to welcome the contestants to their second competition, cheekily titled “Target on Your Back.” While the explanation is a little clunky — blindfolds, something about “difficult, revealing questions” — it’s essentially last season’s anonymous survey challenge, only this time contestants throw paint-filled eggs at each other for points. The men are the targets first. One by one, the “ladies” trot out of the Pad and answer questions by hurling an egg at one of their male opponents. First question is “Who are you the least attracted to?” Melissa tags William; Holly, Ella, Vienna (who claimed to have “pretty good aim”), and Michelle miss, which maybe means they want to boff them all; Erica hits William, and Jackie pegs Stagliano (beeyotch!). Almost every guy gets splattered at some point, but when it comes to the last question — “Who do you want to go home this week?” — it’s Jake who gets an extreme makeover: skin edition. Michelle, Holly, Michelle, Jackie, and of course Vienna all bean him with a paint-filled projectile. “It hurts, it really, really does,” sighs Jake. “This group, they really don’t even know me. They only know what they’ve read in the tabloids and what Vienna has told them… I’ve just gotta deal with it.”
What’s so brilliant about this competition is that not only does it completely humiliate the contestants — which, of course, is no one’s fault but their own — it also conjures up images of Team Bachelor Pad cackling in the writers’ room as they brainstorm challenges that will clearly communicate their utter disdain for the “stars” of their show. To that end, the tiebreak question is brutally blunt: “Who is the dumbest?” Jackie tries to hit William but she aims too high, while Melissa’s egg practically knocks Graham over. Crazy Melissa for the win!
Now it’s the “ladies” turn to take the hits, and the questions are no gentler for them. Who’s most likely to cheat on you? Jake — who continues to insist that Vienna was unfaithful — hits Vienna, but Kasey, who is psyched for the game because he plays baseball, tosses one “high and outside,” missing Ella. It’s Erica to gets doused during the “Who do you want to go home this week?” round, but what really hurts are all the eggs she takes for being voted least attractive. Graham, Blake, Kirk, William, and even Stag hammer her with ego-destroying eggs. “It just hurts because I’m naturally very curvaceous,” Erica whimpers tearfully after the competition. “It’s hurtful if people are targeting me especially when there’s someone like Ella who’s definitely way bigger than I am, and I don’t think she’s that pretty.” Fantastic, Erica. Good to see this hurtful experience has helped you grow as a person.
NEXT: Brokenhearted Stag checks into a haunted hospital