‘The Bachelor’ recap: Crazy, in love
Hey there, TV watchers. A little warning before we begin tonight’s ”journey”: I am writing this while completely hopped up on cold medicine. And to be honest, it’s actually working out quite well: Turns out The Bachelor is a lot less terrifying when viewed through the sedating chemical haze of DayQuil Cold & Sinus. I highly recommend it.
We begin at the Bachelor pad, with Jason helping Ty pack his adorably small Cars suitcase. Damn that kid is cute. I wonder why he?s packing — he must be moving in with the Bachelorettes so Jason can watch them on a nanny-cam and see who really has the chops to be Step-Mommie Dearest. Wait, what? Jason wants to ”do what?s best for Ty” and send him back to his mother? What a bummer. (Note to producers: Good judgment makes for bad reality TV.) Oh, well. Safe travels, little buddy. Daddy will see you in a few weeks, after he Frenches 15 strange women on national television.
After packing his progeny off, Jason decides to surprise the ”ladies,” who are all hanging out at the pool, pretending to get along but actually passing silent judgment on each other. (”Really? A silver sequined bikini? Interesting choice.”) In walks the Bachelor, and after the squealing dies down, Jason immediately pulls Megan to the side to let her know that he totally would have given her a rose even if he hadn’t been forced to by producers. The other women sit impatiently by the pool, anxiously awaiting the moment Jason will take off his shirt and blind them with the holy beauty of his abs and torso — which he finally does, in slow motion, as music swells in the background. (That soft-core touch was almost as inspired as the scene at the cocktail party later in the episode, when the camera panned slowly over Nikki’s ample cleavage just as Jason told her, ”You’ve got amazing… qualities.”)
Ding-dong! Why, there’s an accent table at the door! It’s bearing a rose and a letter to Jason from our old pal Chris Harrison: ”Please give this rose to a woman who you’d like to share a romantic evening with tonight.” Jason is completely thrown by this development. ”I wasn’t even expecting to hand out a rose today,” he tells the camera. Dude, you do remember that you’re on The Bachelor, right? Probably the only time you’re not going to have to hand out a rose is when you’re sleeping or using the toilet — and even that’s not a guarantee. Instantly, the mood turns from forced conviviality to forced conviviality with an electric undercurrent of intense hatred. Jason starts pulling the women aside to conduct his pre-romantic date research, but quite predictably, he has a hard time getting a moment alone with any of the ”ladies.” First his chat with Lauren (who, it seems, is seriously concerned about Jason’s mental capacity, because she keeps quizzing him on what he remembers from grade school or, you know, the night before) is rudely interrupted by the siren song of bachelorettes hollering ”JASON!” from the pool below. And his balcony conversation with Naomi gets interrupted when Tooth Nazi lobs ice cubes at the duo. Finally, Jason resorts to extreme body language: He studiously refuses to turn around and look at a hovering, margarita-bearing Stephanie, who’s futilely trying to break up his conversation with Natalie. Though her pride has taken a major body blow, Stephanie shakes it off: ”It’s early in the game… I know my time will come.”
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